Cher In The City

Cher Best is a guest columnist | cherbest@clearchannel.com.

Cher in the City: Boyfriend list doesn't go unanswered

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Being single can be a ton of fun, and dating can, too. Both clearly have their ups and downs. I firmly believe that the ups should be celebrated and the downs ignored.

I’d been seeing this guy for a few months and I thought it would be insightful and fun for us both to mark the occasion by sharing interesting things that we had learned about each other and/or respond to observations the other had made. This is how our e-mails turned out.

FROM ME:

Dear BTM,

In spite of the fact that you said that you didn’t think I could learn anything about you, I think it’s important for you to know that I’ve learned some interesting things.

So, as we agreed, we will celebrate by sharing what we’ve learned about each other and have a good laugh about it:

1. Sometimes you are not thinking about me; how this is possible is beyond me but … I live with it.

2. Friday/Saturday/Sunday and Monday are sports nights. It’s like a full moon. It is what it is. I enjoy spending Tuesdays and Wednesdays with you. BUT, I appreciate that you understand there will be no cuddling, affection or conversation on Thursday nights after 9:59 … Scandal is on.

3. I just ask for what I want. To be clear on this, subtle hints don’t work on you. Nor do strong or even obvious hints. So I just simply tell you what I want. I find that you understand that very well. Smart boy!

4. You don’t remember dates or anything remotely resembling anything you’ve agreed to do for me. So I’ve learned to text birthdays and to schedule calendar dates on your desktop for the things you’ve agreed to do. I’ve come to enjoy reminding you frequently before an event or occasion.

5. I think the most shocking thing in our relationship was finding out that you did not think shopping was a sport. As hard as I’ve tried to explain it, you don’t appear to get it. I still try on this one though. You must be educated about this. It’s my duty to help you.

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to most questions, except when they conflict with the answer I’m trying to get from you. You sure say “maybe” a lot!

7. Anything you said over 3 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All of your comments become null and void after 7 days. Otherwise I’d be mad all the time.

8. If I think I look fat in a dress, I won’t ask you. You’ll answer and I’ll be mad.

9. This happens often … when something you have said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways will make me sad, I know you meant the other one. :-)

10. Clearly you hate talking about my clothes and shoes, my purses or what I have to wear. … I know you think peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color, and you have no idea what mauve is. No fashion talk … unless we walk past a sale. I promise.

11. If I ask YOU a question that I know you don’t want to answer, I have learned to expect an answer I don’t want to hear. So I don’t ask … it’s called “letting it go.”

Thank you for reading this. Wasn’t this fun? Can’t wait to get your response!

Xoxo, Cher

HIS REPLY:

Dear Princess,

It appears you’ve come to know me quite well, but not as well as you think you do.

1. Sometimes you think I am not thinking about you, but I am. It just amuses me to see you trying so hard to ignore the fact that you think I’m not. You’re cute when you pout.

2. Friday/Saturday/Sunday and Monday are not really sports nights. I only watch it on Sunday and Monday. I watch it on Friday because you work late and Saturday because you get your hair and nails done. I understand there will be no cuddling, affection or conversation on Thursday nights after 9:59 because Scandal is on, but it goes off at 11 and you’re usually fairly agreeable by 11:05.

3. I’m most glad that you say what you want. I’m glad you don’t try all that hinting nonsense. Girls who do that annoy and bore me.

4. I appreciate that you are so thoughtful and that you write important things on my calendar and remind me about upcoming events. It shows me you are excited about the time we spend together.

5. Shopping a sport? Really Cher??? You kid!!!! You kid!!!

6. In response to your #6 … That’s why I always say maybe instead of yes or no.

7. In response to your #7. Remember, I don’t argue. I don’t even remember what I said three months ago, neither should you.

8. In response to #8 … You are not fat and never look fat to me. Besides, you didn’t ask that question. You asked me if your butt looked big in that dress and I said … yes, but I like it.

9. In response to #10 … all I can say is … Good girl!

10. You mean peach isn’t a fruit? What is a mauve?

11. Finally, I think you’re amazing and I have learned that you are smart, caring and creative but I’m a simple guy so in the next 6 months let’s just catch a movie to celebrate.

Xoxo – BTM


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