Appearing older may come with its bonuses

The soul is born old but grows young. That is the comedy of life. And the body is born young and grows old. That is life's tragedy.

-- Oscar Wilde

I shuffled through the kitchen and asked my wife, "How do I look?"

She eyed me for a moment, then said, "Like an old coot."

I smiled.

Yes, my pants were a bit worn but comfortable, my shirt didn't quite match and there was a product-giveway cap on my head.

I had not shaved, either, and a light, gray stubble sprouted from my chin.

"You like the glasses?" I asked. "They're your old ones. I found them in a drawer."

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm trying to fool the grocery store into giving me a senior discount," I said. "I figure if teenaged kids can try to act older to sneak into bars, I can try to act older to get a discount on groceries."

"Can't you wait two years?" she asked. "Then you'll be 60 for real."

"Time is money," I said seriously.

Then I told her I got the idea the week before when I was standing in the checkout line on senior discount day and the young 40-year-old at the cash register almost gave me the discount without asking.

"I was wearing a suit and tie," I recalled. "I didn't look retired enough. Now I do."

Being a college criminal justice major, Ms. Rule Book suggested that I was probably breaking the law.

"No," I said. "I don't plan on actually claiming to be older. I just think that I'll let them make that mistaken assumption. I throw a few boxes of bran flakes in the cart. Maybe act like I can't figure out those new-fangled self-serve machines. Ask a lot of questions. Take my time. I think this will work."

"No," she said. "Go back upstairs. Shave. Put on your some decent pants, and go to the store the right way."

Which is what I did.

This time.

TODAY'S JOKE: Here's one shared by John Martone , of Aiken.

It seems a young entrepreneur who connived and cheated to get where he was started to feel the pressure of his ill-gotten success. He started to get headaches, a whistling in his ears and his eyes were bulging out!

He went to his doctor, who examined him thoroughly and came up with a dreadful diagnosis.

"Jim," the doctor said, "you have a fatal disease and, at most, you have only three months to live! My advice to you is to spend the next few months enjoying the time you have left."

Devastated, but taking the news in stride, Jim decided to sell his house, give most of his money away to charities, throw a big party for his friends and take as many trips and cruises as he could in the time he had left. The first thing he did was to buy all new clothing for his trips and his party. He went to a custom tailor, who measured him for his new suits and tailor-made shirts.

It was then when Jim happened to mention to the tailor that he took a size 14 shirt. The tailor measured his neck and said, "You need a size 16, not 14. You know what happens if you wear a size 14 shirt like you've been doing? You get headaches, whistling in your ears, your blood pressure goes up and your eyes start to bulge out!"

Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 823-3344 or bill.kirby@augustachronicle.com.