Sweep shortcomings under rug before you trip over it

  • Follow Bill Kirby

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

-- The Law of Probability

I am forever bumping into doors, walking into low furniture and tripping over rug wrinkles.

Whenever I do, I always quickly glance about to see if anybody noticed, and if not, I'm on my way, quickly discarding my clumsy little secret to the failing memory vault -- soon forgotten.

My wife, however, is not so discreet.

She usually announces modern life's misfortunes, as she drops silverware, scorches her fingers and turns off the wrong lights.

"What's wrong with me?" she will ask (rhetorically, I found out, after I once tried to answer the question.)

She sometimes even waits for me to get home from work so she can review her shortcomings for the day.

She honestly thinks she is prone to such small accidents, and wonders if it is not evidence of some encroaching health issue.

I used to tell her "no."

"Everyone makes mistakes," I'd say, "Some of us just keep quiet about it."

That didn't work. Still doesn't. And I've quit trying to convince her.

There are two kinds of people in this world, I guess: Those who trip up, and those who shut up.

Which one are you?

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MAILBAG: Your post card travels are here.

Lance and Emily are enjoying Paris and headed for Germany.

Pat and Wayne Fuller, of North Augusta, are in Aruba where they report a relaxing time on their cruise.

Martha and Gerald Brown send a card from the Gerald Ford Museum in Michigan.

And Bill Norton sends a post card from the Abbey of Gethsemani in Trappist, Ky.

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I HAD TO ASK: Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic wins lottery"?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the radio?

Why is store-bought lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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TODAY'S JOKE: A young man was driving his father and grandfather down a rough country road.

His inexperience in handling Grandpa's four-wheel-drive vehicle made for a particularly bouncy ride.

Embarrassed, he said, "The sun shadows through the trees make it hard for me to see all the potholes."

"Don't worry, son," Grandpa said smiling, "you're gettin' most of 'em."

Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 823-3344 or bill.kirby@augustachronicle.com.

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