Veterans, spouses learn 'new normal'

Cheryl Snover knew what to expect when her husband, Jeff Snover, returned from Iraq.

She was a volunteer with the Family Readiness Group, married to a man who was coming up on 18 years in the Army, and the daughter of a Vietnam veteran.

"I knew with my eyes wide open what was coming, and yet there were still surprises I wasn't prepared for," she said. "As a society, we shut people off. If you went to war, you didn't talk about it."

Though the Department of Veterans Affairs has the staff to address mental health, separation and reintegration issues, few programs address the long-range impact on veterans' marriages, said the Rev. Edward Waldrop, a chaplain at the Charlie Norwood VA Medical Center.

He's formed a support group for combat veterans and their spouses, a concept he will introduce to other VA chaplains across the country in June.

"What we're doing isn't being done anywhere else," the Rev. Waldrop said. "We're putting them in a situation with people who have been there, done that."

The Snovers are members and, for some, a model for preserving marriage through the stresses of war.

"We've talked to a lot of people at the VA about how we made it," Mrs. Snover said. "Sometimes I think it was pure grit."

Her husband, a retired chief warrant officer, returned home in June 2003. Three months later, an accident left him paralyzed. A tree fell as he was clearing land, severing his spine.

"For as horrible as that was, Iraq still had the bigger impact on our relationship," Mrs. Snover said.

The initial excitement of a veteran's return wanes and problems set in, she said.

"You settle back into being you and him again," Mrs. Snover said. "You start dealing with the night sweats, the tremors, the lack of sleep. The children being loud would sometimes just throw him. If I came around the corner, his fists would come up. It was never really intentional, it was just a reaction. He wasn't here. He was physically here, but mentally he wasn't present."

The support group, which formed in January, gave them skills to cope and communicate. The four couples in the initial group named it The New Normal support group.

"Someone mentioned 'the new normal' and it stuck, because it's not. They're not the same. We're not the same either," said Shea Hughes, who makes a four-hour round trip to Augusta from Loganville, Ga., with her husband, retired U.S. Army Sgt. Scott Hughes, to attend the sessions.

The group has grown, with as many as 12 couples at its dinners. Each dinner includes training from the Rev. Waldrop and time to talk and work through problems.

"This is really kind of relationship 101, communication 101," he said.

It resonated with the couples.

"Things definitely change," said Sherika Tarver, whose husband, retired Staff Sgt. Terrell Tarver, served in Iraq and Kuwait. "It's like he's carrying everything himself because over there he was squad leader and he was carrying it all."

The support group's communication tips helped explain his burdens, Mr. Tarver said.

"I didn't feel as close as I was before but didn't know how to say it," he said. "Over there, I had to accomplish that mission. Sometimes they get overwhelmed. I take things too seriously."

At dinner, they get to laugh and talk with other couples.

"We're learning that the new normal doesn't have to be a bad normal," he said.

Reach Kelly Jasper at (706) 823-3552 or kelly.jasper@augustachronicle.com.