American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists and Obama supporters, et al.: We have stuck together since the late 1950s, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. ...
Here is a model separation agreement: Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by land mass, each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.
We don't like redistributive taxes, so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the American Civil Liberties Union. Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the National Rifle Association and the military. You can keep Oprah Winfrey, Michael Moore and Rosie O'Donnell. We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood. You can make nice with Iran and the Palestinians, and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security. ...
You can give everyone health care if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe health care is a luxury and not a right.
We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World . We'll practice trickle-down economics, and you can give trickle-up poverty your best shot.
Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name, our flag and our God!