Television is not the dog's best friend

Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.

-- Gallagher

Like many dog lovers, I have enjoyed watching this week's Westminster Kennel Club dog show on television.

I keep thinking that, with the right haircut and maybe more frequent baths, my own little white dog could be a national star.

In fact, I tried to get him to watch the show with me -- you know, perhaps pick up a behavior pointer or two.

That's when I discovered my dog has no interest in TV.

I've suspected as much.

Sometimes when we leave him at home alone, I will turn on the Animal Planet channel, hoping that the animal images, and maybe an occasional audio bark, will keep him interested.

They don't.

Given a chance he will leave the room.

Maybe dogs don't have the vision to enjoy television. I've heard they don't see colors, and perhaps the flickering images that our brains translate into motion and action, they see as only flat and hard to discern.

Many years ago in the holiday movie Scrooged an aging executive played by Robert Mitchum boasts of his latest innovation -- TV commercials for house pets. Twenty years later, I guess there's a reason pet marketing hasn't been tried. It doesn't work, at least not at my house.

What about yours?

TO TELL THE TRUTH: We had a story in Wednesday's paper that All-Star shortstop Miguel Tejada has been charged with lying to Congress. He gave some testimony about steroids that was untruthful and could face a year in prison.

Well, that's bad, I know, but doesn't it strike you as unfair that a citizen can go to prison for lying to Congress, while those same lawmakers seem so challenged to reciprocate?

TODAY'S JOKE: Everett Fernandez shares an old favorite.

It seems a financially troubled company decided it needed a shake-up, so it hired a new, hard-charging CEO.

The new boss bragged that he would quickly rid the company of all slackers and set out on a tour of the facilities. That's when the CEO noticed a young guy leaning on a wall.

It was obviously break time and the room was full of workers. He wanted to let them know that he meant business, so he walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room for a few moments, then asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that lazy slacker did here?"

From the back of the room someone said, "It's lunchtime and he was here to deliver our pizza."

Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 823-3344 or bill.kirby@augustachronicle.com.