Some headlines get attention for the wrong reasons

  • Follow Bill Kirby

Look wise, saying nothing and grunt. Speech was given to conceal thought.

-- William Osler

Everybody seems to enjoy finding fault with the newspaper, which is why we like to say, "Doctors bury their mistakes; we print ours."

But I have no problem laughing at myself, and I have no problem laughing at these headlines because they were in other newspapers.

Chuckle away:

- "Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over"

- "Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant"

- "Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges"

- "New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group"

- "Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft"

- "Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors"

- "Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead"

CLASSIFIED SECRETS: Not to be outdone, someone else sent me a list of questionable classified ads. (Despite what you've heard, people apparently have lots of spare time around the holidays.)

Here are a few.

- "Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale"

- "For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

- "Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

- "Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

- "Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children."

- "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."

- "Stock up and save. Limit: one."

- "Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

- "Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

NEWS UPDATE: Everett tells me the president went to a new Washington, D.C., barber to get a haircut, asking beforehand, "How long will this take, how much will it cost and how good will this look?"

"Just 10 minutes," said the barber. "It will cost $20, and you'll look marvelous."

An hour later, the president looked in the mirror in horror and then choked when the barber handed him a bill for $200.

"What's going on?" he asked. "You took too long, it doesn't look that great and it's costing 10 times more than you said!"

"Well," the barber said, "that makes us even."

TODAY'S JOKE: Here's one shared by Seth Benson , of Millen, Ga.

A man owned a small farm in Alabama, and the state Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," the agent demanded.

"OK," replied the farmer, "there's my farmhand who's been with me three years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

"Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to -- the half-wit," said the agent.

"That," the farmer said, "would be me."

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