Never eat more than you can lift.

-- Miss Piggy

Somebody at my house has been on a diet this week.

No, it's not one of the big folks.

However, the smallest, shaggiest, barking member of our household has been advised by his vet to shed a few pounds.

The little fur-ball was fast becoming a little butterball, and we aren't really sure how.

Mom suspects the house teenager of slipping him forbidden handouts under the dinner table, but the allegation was denied.

I've been watching his bowl, and it doesn't seem to be any more full than in the past.

Maybe a neighbor has been shooting high-calorie dog treats over the back fence, I don't know.

What I do know is that doggie diets produce the same reaction as people diets.

He now spends most of his waking hours in the vicinity of the kitchen and its big table eagerly patrolling for something to snack on, checking out corners for an abandoned Cheerio or a forgotten crouton.

Perhaps the most unnerving time is when the rest of us sit down to eat, and he just sits there beside the table -- perfectly still -- watching the family, his family, munching away while he does not.

We all feel so guilty we might have to join him in doing without.

Maybe next week ... by then I'll be finished with Thursday's leftovers.

WOOD TO GO: I have a reader in south Augusta who wants to get rid of a cedar tree and wonders if someone would like the wood. She thinks it would be a shame to waste.

I said I would ask.

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HERE'S THE MAIL: Rosie Brown, from Thomson, is spending a few weeks in Florida. And mothers-in-law "Rennie" from Canton, Ohio, and Janie, of Augusta, are "Having a wonderful time in Cancun and vicinity."

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: "Just once I'd like to see the win-loss records of doctors right out front where people can see them: Won 10, lost three, tied two." -- basketball coach Abe Lemmons

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TODAY'S HOLIDAY JOKE: Seth Benson shares one of my favorites.

It seems a few days before Thanksgiving a young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up, and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird, and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior in the future."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

He couldn't believe it, and while he stood there quietly looking at the bird, the parrot interrupted the silence, when it said, "By the way, may I ask what the turkey did?"

Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 823-3344 or bill.kirby@augustachronicle.com.