Army helps marriage bonds stay strong

Military spouses say the stresses they face can actually give their families an edge.

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Rainier Ehrhardt/Staff

First Sgt. Fritz Smith (right) gestures as he talks about getting accustomed to sharing a bed again with his wife, Sgt. 1st Class Jackie Smith, after returning from a 15-month deployment to Iraq.

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Rainier Ehrhardt/Staff

Christy Geary said the Strong Bonds program helped her marriage even though her husband, Sgt. Kenneth Geary, is deployed in Iraq and wasn't able to attend with her.

"Sometimes drama will actually bring you closer. Crisis will bring you closer," said Sgt. 1st Class Steven Paul, who is stationed at Fort Gordon with his wife, Jody.

Despite long deployments and a five-year war, the Department of Defense says the military's divorce rate is lower than that of the civilian population.

In 2007, the divorce rate of soldiers held steady at 3.3 percent, the same as in 2006, while the civilian population averaged 3.6 percent, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control.

The United States Army has spent millions on programs to aid married soldiers, said Army Chaplain Gary Williams.

Strong Bonds is the name of the curriculum used to teach military families the communication skills they'll need to handle stress, he said. The Army started using Strong Bonds in 1997. More than 30,000 couples have participated in the program, which is administered by base chaplains at retreats across the country.

The Pauls attended a Strong Bonds retreat earlier this year.

"Being able to go to something like this gives you a chance to realize the mistakes you have made and the changes you can make," Mrs. Paul said.

The couple says they've "absolutely" noticed a difference in their relationship since returning. They talk more readily, and Sgt. 1st Class Paul had an easier transition home after his most recent deployment to Korea, Mrs. Paul said.

"If you put a frog in boiling water, they jump out," she said.

"But if you gradually warm it up, you know you're OK. Same analogy. If you just drop him into the house, he wants to jump."

Twelve- and 15-month deployments take their toll on military families, Sgt. 1st Class Paul said. He said he often feels like a stranger in his own home.

"People change over time. I mean, in a year, you change," he said. "Maybe you can't put your finger on it, but you just know something's either changed in them or in you."

That's where Strong Bonds comes in. "It was great information. It taught you to listen," said 1st Sgt. Fritz Smith, who has attended two retreats with his wife, Sgt. 1st Class Jackie Smith.

In January, he returned from a 15-month tour in Iraq, while "she held down the fort. I think she had one of the hardest jobs," he said.

They say the program helped head off problems before they started. "Being dual military," Sgt. 1st Class Smith said, "I knew ... it was a good idea to go and get some training and get our family back."

Having returned from Strong Bonds, "We joke a lot more versus him always getting an attitude," she said with a laugh.

Christy Geary found the program helped her marriage even though her husband was deployed and unable to attend.

Sgt. Kenneth Geary is currently serving his first tour in Iraq. Mrs. Geary attended a retreat geared toward spouses at the end of February.

The couple has five kids, ranging from age 16 to 19 months.

"We had been civilian for most of our marriage. We were always together," she said. "Raising kids without him there was something new. I figured I could get all the help and support I could get."

She learned a lot about "picking your battles with teenagers" and how to argue "the right way."

"It's been a lot better around our place," she said.

That's something Chaplain Williams hears a lot.

"Military families go through so much change. It's something a lot of families struggle with. In order to survive, they have to find some sort of stability," he said.

The Paul family says they could have used the program 20 years ago.

"The Army is a lot different now. When we were first married, they never had anything. There was no kind of retreat," said Sgt. 1st Class Paul. "A lot of years could have been different."

Already, they're signed up for their next Strong Bonds retreat.

Reach Kelly Jasper at (706) 823-3552 or kelly.jasper@augustachronicle.com.