If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it.

-- Jonathan Winters

Can't afford one of those expensive home security systems?

Here's a suggestion from Bill Wood, of Hephzibah.

Next time you come home for the night and you start to put away your keys, consider this.

Put your car keys beside your bed. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies.

It works if you park in your driveway or garage. If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break in your house, odds are the burglar won't stick around.

After a few seconds, all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough, the criminal won't want that.

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WOULD IT WORK ON SQUIRRELS? Kim Gibbons, of Harlem, writes: "Squirrels have been camping out in the engine of my baby Benz. I was not a happy camper right after Christmas, when the critters caused me $200 worth of wiring problems. And they don't even clean up their mess, acorns are still in my engine area. They ate my insulation and tried to build a nest on my engine."

Her solution?

"I have an outline in my yard, into which I slip my baby Benz (no garage). Fox pee is a retardant to the critters. Much cheaper to buy than a flame thrower (Lowe's doesn't sell), and I don't have to worry about setting the neighborhood on fire."

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EARLY EASTER: Charlie Williams shares what most of you know. Easter is very early this year -- March 23. In fact, the earliest that Easter can take place is March 22 and that is very rare.

As for the March 23 date, that will be the earliest Easter that any of us will ever see the rest of our lives!

Charlie says the next time Easter will be this early (March 23) will be the year 2228 (220 years from now). The last time it was this early was 1913.

And the next time it will be a day earlier, March 22, will be in the year 2285 -- 277 years from now.

So, Charlie says, no one alive today has or will ever see it any earlier than this year.

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TODAY'S JOKE: Here's one shared by James Hartman.

A little boy went up to his mother and asked: "Mom, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

"Well, dear," his mother said, sweetly, "You must have gotten it all from your father, because I still have mine."