Tinsel Town is enemy No. 1

Last week I presented my presidential platform for fixing America, but then the Writers Guild of America ended its strike, reminding me that our nation still faces a great enemy from within -- Hollywood.

As a rule, the federal government has gone easy on Hollywood, treating it as a no-fly zone for ballistic missiles. That could change under my administration.

Today, as we observe Presidents Day, I warn the entertainment industry: Read my lips. After taking office, I will:

- Ban all reality shows on television. If I have to send every wannabe singer, dancer and supermodel to an island somewhere, I'll do it.

- Stop celebrities from speaking out on environmental or political issues. Just as I won't let politicians fight scientific attempts to rescue the planet, or let zealots rewrite history or biology books, I will forbid actors from spouting off about things they don't understand. (Angelina Jolie is permanently exempt.)

- Prohibit celebrities from filling our heads with their illegitimate-birth announcements. Here's the deal: If you want people to think you were adult enough to make a baby, get married first. And stop giving your offspring ludicrous names. If you want someone in your family named Lexus Granny Smith Velveeta, it had better be a dog. (I'll write you up a list of approved baby names, OK?)

- Make the price of a movie ticket affordable again by forcing the studios to limit the special effects. Remember when actors, not explosions, were the matinee idols? Let's get back to that.

- Keep studios from overtraining actors for their roles. Hey, we all know that guy isn't really an FBI agent, so you don't need to send him to the academy for six months to learn guns. If he can't pull a trigger after 5 minutes of instruction, I'll replace him with Samuel L. Jackson; he'll take any job.

- Issue an executive order lowering the price of popcorn so it costs less than the movie.

- Force networks to tape one final episode wrapping up the story anytime a series is canceled Even if it is low in the ratings (that's the kind of programs I generally watch) there will be a finale to tell me what happened.

- Shoot the paparazzi. They litter the landscape, they breathe our air, they killed Diana, so they must die.

Let's see -- pompous actors, love children, paparazzi, popcorn. That's about it. Do I have your vote?

Reach Glynn Moore at (706) 823-3419 or glynn.moore@augustachronicle.com

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