Originally created 06/13/06

Step back and let your friend's choice play out


We have a problem. We have a really good friend that seems to have changed in a negative way. This change has made our friendship sour. She's going out with this guy we feel is not right for her. Lately we haven't been as close friends as before. When we try to confront her, she doesn't listen. How do we make her realize he is not good for her?

XTREME REPORTER KAMILLE BOSTICK SAYS: You can't make someone realize that someone else is bad for her (or him). All you can do is state the facts and your objections and hope that she'll get the message.

When people get in relationships, especially ones where they pull away from their regular friends, it becomes a matter of them making a choice (either consciously or unconsciously) to be with that other person. At present, your friend is choosing this guy. For reasons you can't understand (and might not need to), she is happy enough to be with him, even with your disapproval.

Despite how much you confront her and watch your friendship go south, she probably will continue to choose him until she discovers a reason not to.

Unfortunately, she's not looking for reasons to not be with this guy.

I know you like your friend and only want the best for her, but you're going to have to step back and let this play out. If you've already told her that her boyfriend isn't right for her (and gave her good reasons), then all that is left is waiting for her to see the light.

If you feel you must, take the time to fully put together one more intervention.

Tell her how she's changed and how you think your friendship is suffering and then let her know how much this guy troubles you. Whether it is that he's a bad influence or if he makes her feel bad about herself, you need to be able to present them so she can hear them.

If she doesn't soon change or start valuing your friendship more, you've been given the go-ahead to let this friendship end. The three of you are on different paths; it might be time you follow them, wherever they go. Good luck.

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