Originally created 04/25/06

Girl must tell mother about losing virginity



THIS WEEK'S PROBLEM: My mom always told me if I had to talk to her about something, just go ahead and tell her. Well, I had sex a couple of months ago, and every time we talk about sex or virginity or whatever, I can't seem to tell her. So should I tell her or not, and if I do need to tell her, how do I tell her?

HERE'S WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY TO THIS 15-YEAR-OLD:

- You need to tell your mother as soon as possible so you two can talk about your future. And, yes, she may get mad with you, but it is not because she (doesn't) love you, it will be because she loves you and she wants the best for you. You have your whole life ahead of you, slow it down.

- Don't tell her - she might kill you. Wait until you're 18.

XTREME REPORTER KAMILLE BOSTICK SAYS: Despite how scared or nervous you might be about admitting that you aren't a virgin anymore, you should definitely tell your mom. She'll know how to help you with the health and emotional implications of your decision, and your relationship won't have to suffer under the weight and eventual repercussions of your secret.

Though it's never easy to talk to your parents about sex, even if they have encouraged an open dialogue over the years, you seem to have a good rapport with your mom. Because you two frequently talk bout sex or virginity, you might just need to tell her that things have changed for you.

When she's talking about sex and virginity, you need to say: "There's something I need to tell you." Because your mom has said she wanted you to feel open with her, she'll immediately stop and listen.

Of course, if you don't want to wait for your mom to bring up this conversation about sex and virginity, then it might be necessary (and I wish you'd go for this route) for you to start the talk.

You can let your mom know that there is something you need to tell her and then begin to talk about the guy you lost your virginity to - something along the lines of, "Hey, mom, remember Brian ..." Once you have her attention, you need to let her know how things between you and him escalated. Give her the basics (when, where, if you used protection) but spare the details until she has asked.

She'll ask for details, though, because that's what a concerned parent would do, so be ready to answer. Be ready, too, for what might happen if she gets upset over to whom you lost your virginity. If this guy is much older (think of statutory rape laws) or a known deadbeat, she might do a lot more than give you a lecture.

You made a big step by having sex, now you have to make a big step to be honest about your sexual behavior.

Both you and your mom need to know that the two of you can't talk hypothetically about sex anymore.

Though sex is a private act between two people, it has public implications, so it shouldn't be shrouded in secrecy or lies. You won't be able to hide this, and truly, you shouldn't want to. It will turn out better for you to be honest, because when we are truthful to ourselves and those around us, we make more informed and freeing choices.

There is no right way to confess this to your mom. It's going to be uncomfortable and maybe even embarrassing, but you have to be brave about it. If you need to write a letter, tell a relative and have him/her tell your mom, or cut this column from the paper and say you're the girl who wrote in, do it.

The longer you wait, the harder it is going to be to tell her and you risk your mom finding out some other way (like overhearing a conversation or your having to tell her you've gotten pregnant).

Your mom wouldn't have asked you to come to her about anything if she didn't really want that on some level. Take her up on her offer and clear your conscience.

NEXT WEEK'S PROBLEM

I'm a little overweight but I'm a pretty young woman and I have a nice personality. I just want to know why can't I get a boyfriend.

What would you say to this 15-year-old Augusta girl?

Use the form below to submit your advice or call the Advice Line voice mailbox at 823-3358. You'll have one minute to reply.

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