Originally created 04/25/06

Set alarm 10 minutes early, foil Indians



Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.

- Jim Murray

If you're like me and sleep like any other hardworking, guilt-free American, you probably wake up a little groggy with dawn's early light.

We all know how some people have trouble getting started each morning, but it turns out it's tougher than that. According to my AARP newsletter, researchers at the University of Colorado say most of us are so muddled when we first awake that we might as well be legally drunk.

In fact, a study of nine healthy subjects found that severe "sleep inertia" impaired their short-term memory and ability to solve problems. They found it takes about 10 minutes before morning alertness approaches "normal."

I guess that probably explains why the Indians always attacked John Wayne's fort at dawn.

CONGRATULATIONS: To Jennie Montgomery, the anchorwoman at WJBF-TV, who received the West Augusta Rotary Club's Louis Harris Award last week. (If you're wondering, she's even prettier in person.)

And thanks again to the Rotary Club for continuing to remember the late Mr. Harris, a longtime editor of The Augusta Chronicle, and one of our town's dynamic civic leaders of his generation.

GOOD WORDS: Frank Spears, former Columbia County commissioner and insurance magnate, gave an excellent invocation at the Rotary's luncheon. If you're ever at a public function and need to publicly give thanks, look around the room for Frank and ask him.

FLYING HOME? Billy Cooper, of North Augusta, tells this story:

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator. At an afternoon news conference, the attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," a Justice Department spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of evil with coordinates in every country."

Asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

TODAY'S JOKE: A man stands before a judge who says "You've been brought here for drinking."

The defendant replies, "Well, OK. Let's get started."