In which season do leaves fall: Mustard or vinegar?

Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get.

- Robert Heinlein

We're in trouble.

I am more than a little concerned if the future scientists of America don't pick up the educational pace. To illustrate my point, Billy Cooper passes along these responses from children's science exams.

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

(It all makes my brainium hurt.)

MAIL BAG: Rose Marie McNeill, of Thomson, sends a post card from China where she "just climbed up to the wall and walked a little way. Awesome!" She also sends another China card from Tiananmen Square.

JB and Ooollee Bricker, of Augusta, send a card from Los Angeles on the way to Thailand.

TODAY'S JOKE: A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.

"I don't think that's going to help," she said.

"Sure it will." he answered. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 823-3344 or bill.kirby@augustachronicle.com.