Any day that encourages adults - overworked, exhausted, stressed-out grown-ups - to let their hair down and party like children should be a federal holiday. Halloween is one such occasion.
Although I'm probably not Irish, I admire the enthusiasm on St. Patrick's Day, too, and I think New Year's Eve should come two or three times a year. If the people behind Arbor Day gave prizes for the best costume, I would gladly portray a larch in search of a party.
As for those people who make such days sound evil and dangerous, let them stay at home. I probably won't be wearing a scary costume today, however. People are just too difficult to scare these days. Life itself is filled with so much horror - jobs, bills, traffic, taxes, children, war - that their fear factor is off-kilter.
No mere ghost or goblin will stop them dead in their tracks when gallons of blood are spurting from the latest slasher picture at the movie theater. Frankenstein's monster, who was the epitome of terror when I was young, is laughable today. Werewolves, vampires, mummies - there's worse on the evening news.
I did toy with some ideas for a costume, though. Tell me what you think:
Hurricane Omega: This season's named storms already have exhausted the alphabet; now they are beginning to use up the Greek alphabet. If the weather forecast doesn't improve soon, we will be sweating out Hurricane Omega, which is as far as things can go.
Harriet Miers: The president's Supreme Court nominee has been "borked" (derived from Robert Bork, an unsuccessful court nominee in 1987; one of its meanings is to sink a court nominee's chances by focusing on his character or background instead of his qualifications). Sure, I could dress up like her tonight, but how? A black robe certainly wouldn't be part of the costume.
Al Roker: If I don't portray a borked figure, can I be someone who has been "al rokered"? Last week on TV, I heard someone say he had been "al rokered" by a certain news revelation, meaning he was knocked off his feet. That came from Al Roker's experience during Hurricane Wilma, which knocked the formerly chubby TV weatherman on his face (or something) while he reported from Florida. It's tough to scare people when you're lying down, though.
Big Oil: Three oil companies last week reported combined quarterly profits of $29 billion, this at a time when gasoline reached $3 a gallon in some places and was often hard to find. What could be scarier, then, than wearing a gasoline station uniform and vampire fangs for sucking people's blood?
Last year, I went to work on Halloween posing as a senile Superman. I wore a Superman T-shirt over my white dress shirt and tie, a red cape, dress slacks instead of tights, and eyeglasses - representing a dazed and confused Clark Kent.
The year before, I really took the easy way out. I sprayed a little gray paint on my temples and went to work. When asked who I was supposed to be, I said: "My older brother." This year, I don't even need the paint.
It used to be easy for me to dress up for a party. I remember a '70s party I was invited to during the late 1980s. I shaved off my mustache, combed my hair down into my face, retrieved my 1970s wire-rim eyeglasses from a drawer. put on a plaid flannel shirt and jeans, and went as John Denver.
Halfway through the night, I went into the host's bathroom, left the door ajar, lay on the floor and scattered pill bottles all about. The first person who walked in took one look at me and shrieked: "It's Elvis!"
Have fun today. Enjoy Halloween, no matter how old you are. Be safe. Above all: Boo!
Reach Glynn Moore at (706) 823-3419 or glynn.moore@augustachronicle.com.
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