Book's knowledge will amaze friends and family

In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

- Abraham Lincoln

You know how the last few Masters have been delayed by heavy rains?

Well, get out those green-and-white umbrellas. The Old Farmer's Almanac, which comes out today, predicts "cool and heavy rains" during the days of the opening rounds.

Yes, the little yellow book that I first began reading four decades ago is indispensable for know-it-alls who like to amaze their friends, co-workers and grade-school children with their random knowledge of how things work.

Among the discoveries quickly gleaned from this year's edition:

- Weather forecasts are The Almanac's speciality. This year, it predicts, Christmas will be sunny and cold, next Easter will be sunny and cool. And if you've enjoyed the past two rainy summers, you'll enjoy summer 2006. The Almanac predicts above average rainfall and lots of August thunderstorms. - When it comes to modern life, loud cell phone conversations are the No. 1 complaint in American society, according to the Emily Post Institute.

Lack of response to an invitation, no thank-you notes for gifts, rude children in public and road rage fill out the top five, The Almanac says.

- Happiness comes easily to children and senior citizens. Age 40 is usually your gloomiest, and, in general, women are happier than men.

- The top professions in demand through 2012 will be registered nurses, followed by postsecondary teachers, retail salespeople, customer service representatives and food service workers.

- The most respected professions are: scientist, firefighter, doctor, teacher, nurse. (Journalist does not appear to be in the top 10.)

- The next trendy home pet? A chicken.

Of course, the bulk of this and most other agrarian almanacs is their arcane and complicated charts of moonrises, star paths and constellation presentations. There is no better way to impress an 11-year old than to walk out on a winter's night, look up and say, " That's the planet Saturn, son."

As a sort of midyear resolution, I'm resolving to decipher The Almanac's daunting numerical charts that will allow me to point out such phenomena.

I might not be any wiser, but I will appear so to those who count.

TODAY'S JOKE: A young, local lawyer shared this one Sunday:

He said an older man went through a salad bar and loaded his plate with nothing but lettuce.

The younger folks with him were curious and finally one asked what he was fixing.

"Honeymoon salad," he said.

"Why do you call it that?" another companion asked.

The old man looked up from his plate, smiled and said, "Lettuce alone."

Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 823-3344 or bill.kirby@augustachronicle.com.