Things certainly have changed since I was in school

"In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, and he threw the teacher out of the window."

- Rodney Dangerfield

As an older American, I enjoy telling my 11-year-old son stories about how tough things used to be when I went to school.

"You have it so easy these days," I say, relishing the reminiscence. "Why, when I was your age we had to ..."

I will then launch into some long story that includes several narrow escapes from the harried hallways of public education.

I will tell tales of teachers known for their malevolent cruelty.

I will describe school buildings that were more institution than inspiration, where the scent of fear hung as heavy as chalk dust in the late afternoons.

And he will roll his eyes, lean over and pick up his 100-pound book bag and say, "You didn't have 100 pounds of books to bring home every day."

And you know, he's right.

There are a lot of differences between public education today and back in those thrilling days of yesteryear. See what you think.

OLD SCHOOL: Lunch: The yeast rolls were good and the cornbread was not. And we questioned that anyone would consider peanut butter balls powdered with confectionery sugar a "dessert."

NEW SCHOOL: Pizza and Mexican food and salads.

OLD SCHOOL: Homework was an occasional irritation. It never got in the way of watching Huckleberry Hound cartoons.

NEW SCHOOL: Every night seems to bring multiple assignments in every subject with instructions so detailed both parents are forced to surf the Internet trying to define mathematical terms rarely used outside of NASA control rooms.

OLD SCHOOL: Walked to school in snow, rain, hurricanes, 100-degree heat.

NEW SCHOOL: Nice bus, soft seats, sometimes air-conditioned.

OLD SCHOOL: Taught by unmarried spinsters, who were firm but kind and likely taught your sister, brother and one or both parents.

NEW SCHOOL: Young. With sporty cars in the teachers' parking lot.

OLD SCHOOL: Telling your parents.

NEW SCHOOL: Calling the cops.

OLD SCHOOL: Remarkably thin history book ending with Pearl Harbor attack.

NEW SCHOOL: Two volumes, but sensitively written narrative about kindly Native Americans, cruel Pilgrims and lengthy profiles of Susan B. Anthony and Eleanor Roosevelt.

OLD SCHOOL: Flat wall map of the world, showing newly discovered continent of Australia.

NEW SCHOOL: Globe showing earth as round.

OLD SCHOOL: Whipper-

NEW SCHOOL: -Snapper.

OLD SCHOOL: Golden memories to be recalled again and again.

NEW SCHOOL: A place where young people go to get away from old people.

Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 823-3344 or bill.kirby@augustachronicle.com.