Don't bother with the Do-Not-Call list; just do this

"The telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance."

- Ambrose Bierce

Want to have fun with a telemarketer?

James Hartman does.

He writes in to suggest you answer the phone and pretend not to be the man or woman of the house, but a homicide investigator at a crime scene.

Ask the telephone caller why he's calling and just how well he or she knew the person he just called.

Advise the caller that we had already traced his call and that he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify. Ask if he has an alibi, then hang up.

(Thanks, Mr. Hartman. I usually just do the last part of that.)

MORNING STOCKS: Helium was up. Feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

(Hope that helps.)

TRAVEL NEWS: Sending vacation postcards are Joy Southern-Broxton and Kayleigh, who are at Universal Studios in Orlando, Fla. Richard, Katrina and Wayne Bailey and grandkids Breanna, Katie and Abbie got a glimpse of Niagara Falls.

Tom and Katie Bailey were generous with four cards from Pennsylvania and Boston and two cards from Connecticut.

Eunice Webb sends a card from Washington, D.C., and says, "Hello to Augusta!"

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WAR CRITICS: Sonny Pittman points out that editorial criticism has been around for a long time with this quote from Robert E. Lee:

"Why, it appears that we appointed all of our worst generals to command the armies and we appointed all of our best generals to edit the newspapers. I mean, I found by reading a newspaper that these editor generals saw all of the defects plainly from the start but didn't tell me until it was too late. I'm willing to yield my place to these best generals and I'll do my best for the cause by editing a newspaper."

TODAY'S JOKE: How hot is it? Billy Cooper says it's so hot that:

- The birds have to use pot-holders to pull worms out of the ground

- The trees are whistling for the dogs.

- The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

- The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 823-3344 or bill.kirby@augustachronicle.com.