After returning home from the drugstore, I pulled my bottle of medication from the paper bag. I noticed it was a big pill bottle, but then I realized why. The warning label on it was the longest I had ever seen.
"Take two tablets every four hours," it began. "Or four tablets every two hours. We're not sure what will happen to you either way, but hey, it's your life.
"Just don't expect these pills to plop out into your palm all nice and neat the way they do on those TV commercials, though.
"You know the ones we mean: Some guy with a headache upturns the aspirin bottle, and exactly two pills fall into his palm all nice and neat. They're even facing the camera so the viewers can read the brand name.
"Get real.
"More likely, here's what will happen: You'll turn the bottle over a little, then a little more, trying to pour exactly two pills into your hand. Then you go too far, and half the contents of the bottle spills out all over the floor.
"So you scoop the pills up, dust them off and place them back into the bottle. Then you realize you've put back too many, so you try again. And guess what? That's when you discover that not only are you sick, but you're also clumsy.
"Don't feel so bad, though. Read your name on this label; this prescription isn't made out to Einstein, is it?
"This kind of reminds you of those people on television who drive a car without watching the road, doesn't it, sport? They drive along and talk with the passenger, and for 30 seconds or so they never once look at the road ahead. Do they run into a ditch or an oncoming truck, though? Of course not.
"Could you drive for 30 seconds without glancing at the road? Don't even try. If you did, you would need a whole lot more help than these pills can give.
"But we digress. You've finally got the pills out of the bottle. That's half the battle (assuming you were able to get the childproof cap off the bottle in the first place). If you got this far, maybe you aren't so sick after all.
"But you've already paid for these pills, so you might as well take them, right? These days, paying for your medicine was a feat in itself, wasn't it?
"It's not like you got to order them from Canada, where medicine apparently grows on trees. No, you had to pay good old American rates. An arm and a leg and a wad of cash, huh?
"Just be thankful this bottle isn't full of gasoline; then it would really be expensive. (Calm down, sick boy; you'll jack up your blood pressure. They don't actually make gasoline tablets. We were just trying to make a point.)
"Now, we feel this next warning is ridiculous, but they make us do it, and you've seen it before: Do not operate dangerous machinery while using this medication.
"We know what you're thinking: Why would you want to operate dangerous machinery even when you aren't medicated? But just humor us, OK? And stay away from the bulldozers and the nail guns and those ham slicers in the deli section of the store.
"Here's one we bet you never thought about: Whatever else you do, please try not to swallow these capsules sideways. They might get hung up in your throat and make you choke and keep you from ever eating food again.
"Besides, if they did get stuck, what would you do? Go to the doctor? Ha! All the doctor's going to do is prescribe a pill for it, and then you're in even worse shape.
"(What's that? You'd never worried before about swallowing pills sideways? Glad we could help.)
"Well, we're at the end of the label. Are you just going to sit there or are you going to take your medicine?
"Cheers!"
Reach Glynn Moore at (706) 823-3419 or glynn.moore@augustachronicle.com.
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