Originally created 05/24/05

Let mom know son is amazing



THIS WEEK'S PROBLEM: My boyfriend is amazing. He loves me and does (everything) for me. His mom seems to have a problem with that. They got into an argument over me. I don't want to lose him, but I just can't deal with his mom. She doesn't like me for some reason, (though) I am a good girl and have a 4.0 GPA. I'm confused. Help!

Xtreme reporter Kamille Bostick says: Nothing can ruin a relationship faster than a disapproving parent. If you're serious about not wanting to lose your boyfriend, you're going to have to find a way to deal with his mom.

To start, get over the shock that someone might not like you. A 4.0 and a good head on your shoulders is laudable but no guarantee that his mom is going to love you like a daughter.

I doubt she sees your GPA as a problem. There is something more. Could it be that she thinks he's spending too much money and time on you?

As much as you like being doted on and being made the center of attention, if his dating you is causing his grades to fall or his focus to change, his mother has a right to be concerned. If your boyfriend's mom thinks you're using her son, she's not going to sit back and just allow it to happen.

Mothers are protective; they have to be. Instead of getting angry at her for her impression or being bothered by her refusal to embrace your relationship, focus on getting along. Put yourself around her and be yourself while you're there. Do things to let her know that you think her son is "amazing" and that you only want the best for him and yourself. Eventually she should come around.

If she doesn't, then maybe you're not the problem: His mom might not be thrilled with any girl's dating her son.

When you're in a situation such as that, you have to cut your losses. You can't make people like or accept you, and you can't make them change how they think of you if they aren't willing to get past their issues.

Talk to you boyfriend and let him know you're not trying to come between him and his mom. Ask him whether he really sees his mom's not liking you as a problem or whether it's something he's sure she'll come around on. He'd know better than you whether his mom is the type to hold a grudge or whether she is just takes a while to warm up to people.

You also need to find out from your boyfriend what his mom says about what he's doing. If she's told him she'd rather he not buy you expensive things or hang out with you all day, he should be trying to listen and compromise. At 18, you two can't let his mom rule your relationship, but you have to respect the influence (good and bad) she can have on it.

Whatever you do, don't lose the focus on being a good girlfriend and keeping things right between you and your guy. Letting too many people, moms included, into your relationship is rarely good.

As long as you two are happy and honest with each other, it doesn't matter what other people think.

NEXT WEEK'S PROBLEM

My boyfriend is about to go to an out-of-town school, and we want to be together still. I really like him and I want him to get his education, but I don't think that we can make it a year without seeing each other because we (are) around each other every day. Please give me some advice on how we can work out a long-distance relationship.

Do you have any advice for this 18-year-old Augusta girl? Use the form below to submit your reply or call the Advice Line voice mailbox at 823-3358. You'll have one minute to reply.

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