In job hunt, my friend doesn't have a shot

My old friend Cleotus Allegood dropped by last week to see me. He had been away for several months, so I asked about what had been happening in his life.

"Not much," Cleotus said, sprawling out on my couch. "The last time I saw you, I told you I was goin' to look for a job, so I did."

"You found a job?" I asked, happy for his new lot.

"No, but I sure did look for a bunch of them. I've been travelin' all over, just me and my truck and my dog, Stanley, but I ain't had much luck, that's for sure."

"I'm sure sorry to hear that," I said, and offered him a drink. He readily accepted. "Tell me about it."

"Well, you know I've had some experience in the food-service industry," he said, and I remembered our high school days, when Cleotus' hair was permanently slicked back with french fry grease. "So the first place I tried was a restaurant where they needed a baker."

"And?"

"It just didn't pan out," Cleotus said.

"That's too bad."

"Then I saw there was an openin' at one of them fancy gyms where people drive 10 miles so they can walk five miles on a machine," he said. "They looked at me and said I wouldn't work out.

"They needed a shoe salesman at the mall, but I couldn't get my foot in the door. A clock repair shop didn't have time to teach me the job. A roofin' company foreman said I would be settin' myself up for a fall.

"From there, I drove up to one of them gamblin' casinos and tried to get hired. The blackjack table wasn't in the cards, I guess, and they said I didn't stand a chance of workin' the roulette wheel."

"Cleotus, you have had it rough," I said. "That reminds me of the time you were in the Army for three days ñ"

"Four!" he corrected.

"OK, four. And they sent you home because they said you were uniformly unacceptable."

"Yeah. You'd think people would hire a veteran, wouldn't you? But they take one look at me and can tell I've never kept one job too long. If you want to know the truth, I think it's profilin'."

"I'm beginning to believe you. I also remember that time you were a golf pro for three hours ñ"

"Four!"

"Whatever. And they let you go because they said you were too green. So, are there any other places you've been looking for work?"

"More than I can remember, that's for sure. The theater manager where I applied to be a projector operator said I just didn't see the big picture. The TV station that needed a gofer said I didn't have networkin' skills.

"The guy who owns a couple of cropduster planes accused me of bein' a flight risk. The dog groomer walked out to my truck, took one look at Stanley and said I was barkin' up the wrong tree.

"By then, I'd been drivin' a long way, so I stopped at a motel. In the lobby was a sign that advertised they needed a desk clerk. But the manager said their organization didn't have room for me.

"Let's see; from there I tried to get on at a sleep clinic but was told I was in for a rude awakenin'. A vegetarian restaurant that needed a waiter said I was full of baloney. The telephone company wouldn't even talk to me.

"I tried to get a job at one of them comedy clubs, but they asked me if that was a joke. The clown school actually said I was overqualified. I lost out a chance at bein' a classroom assistant when they found out I don't test well. The library said my references didn't check out."

As Cleotus recounted his tiring days of job-hunting, I flipped through the want ads. The only thing I saw was an opening at a church school.

"It says here," I told him, "that a Father O'Malley needs someone to ring the bells of St. Mary's."

"I might as well give it the old high school try," Cleotu s said, "but I won't hold out my hopes. Things just haven't been goin' my way."

Reach Glynn Moore at (706) 823-3419 or glynn.moore@augustachronicle.com.