Everyone loses in consolation snoozer

CARLSBAD, Calif. -- Florida vs. Louisiana State might make a better Southeastern Conference championship football game than a match-play championship golf encounter.

South Africa vs. England probably makes a better cricket match than a consolation match.

For better or for worse, that's what it has come down to in soggy Southern California. Not that there's anything wrong with that. In fact, there's plenty right with it.

At least you got a Tiger in the final.

But if seeing the graphite Gator (Chris DiMarco) take on the titanium Tiger (David Toms) over 36 holes with a $1.3 million winner's check on the line isn't enough to park your remote control on ABC all day, that's your problem.

Sending the beige Goose (Retief Goosen) and the psychodelic Brit (Ian Poulter) on a forced march for an extra $110,000 is ñ unfortunately ñ their problem. They'd prefer calling the match good-good right now, share third place and move on to another venue where winning isn't out of the question.

"Now the wheels are a bit flat," said Goosen after a 32-hole Saturday ultimately ended in defeat. "Now we just have to come back tomorrow and try to put something in."

What's the point?

The NCAA men's basketball tournament gave up on the idea of a third-place consolation game in 1981, after Ralph Sampson and Virginia defeated Louisiana State in a meaningless game that neither team wanted to play during the somber hours after the assassination attempt on President Ronald Reagan.

What the NCAA realized was that no team wanted to keep playing after the deflating experience of being eliminated from championship contention.

Of course, college basketball players weren't playing for any money. The lords of golf believe that six figures are incentive enough for two losers to come back for another round.

"It's a bit anticlimactic," said Colin Byrne, Goosen's Irish caddie now known as "Monkey Man" after climbing up a tree Saturday in a futile effort to retrieve his boss' ball. "It's not unreasonable to ask, I suppose."

In a way, it is. The only reason the consolation match exists is to fill the dead air on television between shots of the main attraction. They don't want to tax the trivia archives of ABC's announcers too much while Toms and DiMarco stroll between shots.

The specter of the dreaded consolation match is so strong that semi-finalists actually draw motivation from it. Toms credits it for helping him stick it stiff to so many pins on the back nine against Poulter.

"That was my whole thinking out there to get into gear," Toms said. "I don't want to come back and play for third place. It would be kind of a downer. I'm just glad I'm not one of those guys."

DiMarco concurred.

"Why do they make them do that?" he said. "The last thing I wanted to do was come back tomorrow and wait around all morning for the winners to play 18 and then go out and play 18 holes. All they're playing for is money. I'd rather be on a plane heading home."

That may sound strange, but when you count your annual earnings in millions like these guys do, an extra $55,000 over what should have been a tie for third place hardly beats a night in your own bed.

If the tournament officials and TV folks feel like they need a sideshow act, why not let Bill Murray and George Lopez fill the gaps with a golfing comedy grudge match that would surely raise the ratings and the on-course buzz.

If Sunday always seems too lifeless in this event, fix the format. Players like the idea of playing 54 holes of medal play to determine eight finalists for the weekend. Then all eight play 18-hole matches the rest of the way to determine the winner.

No matter what they do, critics will still lash out every time the Match Play final doesn't include Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson. They just don't get it.

It is what it is ñ a great event that harkens back to an age when all of golf was played like this.

Once a year it's nice to see that a guy can lose a ball in a tree and move on to the next tee only a hole behind instead of three shots.

In the end, whether or not the all-American matchup of Ryder Cuppers DiMarco and Toms is your idea of good theater doesn't matter to them.

"I'm going to try to win (today), eight million viewers or two viewers," DiMarco said.

DiMarco and Toms ñ both freakishly rabid fans of their respective football rivals ñ know they can't compete with the SEC football ratings.

"I'd sure be drinking a lot more beer if it were an SEC championship game," DiMarco said.

Surely, Goosen and Poulter would rather pour a pint and watch what's brewing from afar.

Reach Scott Michaux at (706) 823-3219 or scott.michaux@augustachronicle.com.