Foster respect and self-esteem in our children

"If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves"

- Carl Jung

Where our children are concerned, it has been a rocky 25 years of change and turmoil. In recent years, the kids of Rockdale County shocked us; the Columbine tragedy broke our hearts; and our local state of affairs continues to concern us.

Historically, most societies had an established hierarchy in which everyone knew their place, and it was the parents' job to ensure the survival of their children within these formal structures. Children were to speak only when spoken to, and to be seen and not heard.

AS SOCIAL REFORM movements began to take shape, flaws in the more inflexible structures surfaced. In the impetus of social reform - from the signing of the Declaration of Independence to the emancipation of slaves to women gaining the right to vote to the forming of labor unions - all groups wanted equal treatment. Today, adults find themselves contending with a generation who may believe that the concept of "all men are created equal" begins at birth and not age 18 (Active Parenting, 1989), suggesting that democratic principles have made their way into the family, trickling down to the children.

In terms of human worth and dignity - not to be confused with rights and responsibilities - children may feel that adults treat them with less respect than they treat each other. This double-standard does not sit well with the modern child. Win-win disciplinary strategies are central to maintaining balanced relationships.

For children to learn respect, it is imperative that adults model it first. Each time we interact with children, we are, in essence, holding a mirror up to them. Our mannerisms, language and tone of voice offer a reflection they use to help shape their self-concept. Children come to see themselves as adults treat them, and would benefit from the same level of courtesies extended to co-workers, spouses and best friends. This does not mean giving them free rein; children need firm behavioral limits. However, these limits can be part of a mutually respectful relationship. If children are to value themselves, model healthy behaviors and grow into productive adults, they must be treated as valuable members of society.

When dealing with children, adults tend to be at one end of the continuum or the other. There are strategies falling between authoritarianism and permissiveness that invite cooperation, foster respect and teach responsibility. Some adults feel that showing children respect will communicate weakness. We can be respectful all day long and not get the results we are aiming for. Modeling respect is only the beginning of the process to improving relationships. The next step is to implement consistent rules and set up logical consequences to enforce them.

IN OUR SOCIETY, there are logical consequences for breaking rules. When caught speeding, we get a ticket; when we lie to a friend, mistrust is fostered; when we are consistently late for work, we risk getting fired. When the modern child misbehaves, however, he or she usually experiences punishment that does not make logical sense or has no meaningful consequence at all.

Logical consequences invite cooperation within an atmosphere of mutual respect, allowing children to take part in learning self-discipline. Further, they help stabilize the relationship. This is not to say that adults should not have the final say; there are times when children must simply do what is asked of them, period. However, if kids are given the power to make decisions about that which affects them whenever possible, they will be more likely to cooperate when it is really important. Power - or personal power - is the crux of the problems we are seeing. Children who feel void of personal power may go to extremes and do whatever it takes to get it. It is when kids feel powerless that they bully, steal, lie, bring knives to school or act violently toward adults and each other.

There are other important ways parents and teachers might win cooperation and turn the tide of student misconduct:

 •  Understand the four goals of misbehavior and new ways to react to them.

 •  Learn the distinction between praise and encouragement. Child psychologist Rudolph Dreikers taught us that misbehaving kids are discouraged kids. When kids don't feel as if they have a place, suffer low self-esteem or lack personal power, they tend to form faulty beliefs.

 •  Learn to communicate with more respect. There are specific ways to speak with children that model and invite respect and cooperation.

 •  Use reflective listening skills to validate your child's feelings.

 •  Learn effective ways to instill responsibility. When children help adults draft the rules, they tend to be more willing to buy in and self-enforce. An added benefit would be practiced young adults who are capable of making important decisions.

THESE STRATEGIES are most effective if all the adults in a child's world are relating much in the same way. Kids will adapt to inconsistencies and double standards at home and in school, but this can invite confusion, rebellion and passive-aggressive attitudes toward all authority.

Recent school and neighborhood violence has taught us that the price for complacency is high. Can we continue to sustain schools where the risk of violence is soaring? Will we continue sending our kids into adulthood unprepared, unempowered, with a dulled sense of responsibility or the know-how to make sound decisions? The time to re-examine the way we relate to the modern child has come.

(Editor's note: The author is a professional parent educator and president of the Georgia Parent Academy in Martinez.)