Originally created 08/24/04

Boyfriend's wandering eye can hurt relationship



THIS WEEK'S QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have been together for four months. He recently told me he likes one of my friends and he thought I should know because he cares about me and wants me to trust him. He promised me that he wouldn't do anything with her. I care about him deeply and trust him, but I still don't know what to do.

HERE'S WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY:

  • I think that she should dump her boyfriend for having feelings for her friend. If he really loved her he wouldn't have feelings for anybody else.
  • Tell him she trusts him. If he's faithful he'll do as he says; if not, give him enough rope and he'll hang himself.
  • People have crushes all the time, it's natural. You said it yourself you trust and love your boyfriend, so trust him. He likes your friend but he loves you and you love him so don't worry about it.
  • XTREME REPORTER KAMILLE BOSTICK SAYS: Trust is a word that people throw around without considering what it means.

    The point of trusting someone is that you expect that trust to be tested and truly believe that person will pass the test.

    If you can't stand having the person you trust out of your sight or in situations where they might betray you, then you don't really trust them. Trust doesn't exist within the rules or the barriers you set, it works outside of those situations in the places where you feel you and the person are most vulnerable.

    If you trust this guy, then you need to trust him to not act on his attraction, and move on with your relationship. There's no in-between.

    The real issue isn't whether you should trust him to keep his word, but whether you should be in a relationship with someone who doesn't know who it is he wants.

    If he likes your friend, why is he with you? And if he wants to be with you, then why is he wasting energy liking your friend?

    His dual feelings only disservice your relationship. More so, if, after four months he's already falling for someone else, you have to wonder whether he feels as though he is settling for dating you.

    Let your boyfriend know that his admission makes you wonder whether he considers you as his true partner. If he can't say that you are, then you might need to be the bigger person and call this off.

    You don't want to be in a relationship where someone figures you're the next best thing. You don't need to be in a relationship where you will accept the least someone gives you just because you care about them.

    You can't control the people your boyfriend develops feelings or attractions for, but you can control how you let him act in this relationship. If you can't be the one and only one he's feeling something for, don't stay.

    Next Week's Problem

    I've been with this guy since December 2002, and we're really close. Awhile back, he proposed and I accepted. We're planning to get married soon after I graduate from college, which is in about three years. We haven't told anyone yet, especially our parents. (They) think getting married during or soon after college is wasting your education. I'm a business/technology major, and I'm virtually guaranteed a job after graduation, so there's no chance of that. How do I convince my parents?

    Do you have any advice for this 19-year-old Augusta girl?

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