Originally created 05/25/04

Fear should not override girl's needs from boy

THIS WEEK'S QUESTION: I'm dating this guy and I really like him. Things are going great, it's just that everything seems to be too physical. It seems there's no conversation; I want something deeper. I don't want to end the relationship but I'm afraid that if it does end, he'll go back to some old bad habits.

HERE'S WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY: Break up with him. Usually, if it's something physical, it's just immature. If you want something deeper, obviously he's not willing to give you that. What you need to look for in a relationship is your best interest. You're what matters in a relationship; your happiness over his physical needs is more important.

l The parts of a relationship are spiritual, emotional, mental and physical. Apparently, only the physical needs are being met. If there's no conversation then obviously emotional and mental needs aren't filled,and girls need that emotional fulfillment. Physical needs just don't do it. Your needs need to be met just as much as his. If your needs aren't being met, then I say dump him.

l I think you should start to talk to him about the relationship and how you think maybe (you two) should go somewhere just to talk or joke around and whatever, like a park or out to dinner or something like that.

XTREME REPORTER KAMILLE BOSTICK SAYS: It is never a good idea to stay with someone because you are afraid of what will happen when you leave. When fear is the factor keeping two people together, the relationship is doomed.

If you are afraid to make yourself happy, of not being certain you can give yourself what it is you require or desire, an emotional starvation begins.

Elementary school science teaches us that if something is not fed, it will not grow and will probably die.

You and your relationship are starving. You said you want something deeper, that you'd like to talk to this guy much more than you touch him. If that's the case, you need to demand it. This guy isn't just going to decide to change, he has no incentive to. With all the physical aspects you describe in your relationship, it appears he's getting what he wants.

You are going to have to tell this guy that you want more. Give him some time to do what's necessary and if he doesn't change his ways, you need to leave.

It might be hard, you might feel as though you're deserting him, but there's no reason to go down with this ship.

Loving or caring for someone doesn't mean that you ignore what it is you want. Loving or caring for someone doesn't mean you can save him, either.

I know you want to be there for this guy but you don't have to be his girlfriend in order to do so. If he falls apart or goes back to his bad habits as soon as you call off the relationship, he wasn't securely on the right path in the first place.

Maybe you should let him know that even though you aren't his girl, you still want the best for him. Just make sure he knows you can't stay with him at the risk of being unhappy.

Next week's problem

My mom just got fired from her job for something she didn't do. She worked where we lived, and now we have to move. My mom wants to move to Kentucky (where we are from). But I have a boyfriend and we really love each other and I have a best friend.

Me and my best friend are going to be roommates in September. My boyfriend is getting his apartment now. Since we've been together for a while, should I move with him until September? Then move with (my friend) while we go to college? I can't leave; I have grants here and I need my education.

Do you have any advice for this 18-year-old Augusta girl?

Use the form below to submit your reply or call the Advice Line voice mailbox at 823-3358. You'll have one minute to reply.

Got a problem? Use the form below to tell us about it or call the Advice Line voice mailbox at 823-3358. You'll have one minute to give us your situation. Please speak clearly and state your age and the town you live in.

You can also e-mail your problems to kamille.bostick@augustachronicle.com. Put "Advice Line" in the subject line. Remember to include your age and hometown. All e-mail addresses will be kept confidential. Questions may be condensed for space.


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