Originally created 04/27/04

'Next level' of dating doesn't have to be sex



THIS WEEK'S PROBLEM: I've been dating this boy for almost a year now and I care about him. He says he cares about me, too, but he wants us to take our relationship to another level by having sex. I had sex in the past, and it is something I feel I should wait for. I care about him, but I'm not ready to have sex with him. I just don't know how to tell him. I'm afraid I'm going to lose him.

HERE'S WHAT YOU HAD TO SAY:

  • You're 15 years old; you shouldn't be having sex in the first place. So you might want to get rid of this guy.
  • Wait. I have a cousin who just had a baby at 15 and she missed her childhood. You have the rest of your life to have sex. Hold out girl, you got time. Sex will always be there.
  • If your boyfriend cares about you then he should be able to wait until you're ready to take the relationship to another step because sex is a big risk. If you're not ready to have sex and he can't respect that, then you need to move on because he obviously don't care about you like he says he does.
  • Tell him that you'd like to wait until you are ready, that you don't feel it is the right time in your relationship to share that kind of intimacy. There is so much time later on for that type of relationship, once you've grown and matured. High school is hard enough to deal with on its own, without adding more emotional pressure on yourself. If you tell him, and that is reason for him to leave you, then he was never worth your trouble.
  • XTREME REPORTER KAMILLE BOSTICK SAYS: I'm glad you see sex as something you should wait for. With the possibility of pregnancy and the risk for getting sexually transmitted diseases, sex isn't something that should be rushed in to.

    Despite how much your boyfriend cares for you or how long you've been together, if you're uncomfortable or not ready to have sex, you don't have to. There's no wrong way to tell him so, either.

    I suggest you sit down face to face and let him know that regardless of how much he cares for you and you for him, your decision about not having sex is not about him. Be firm. Be direct. Be unapologetic (you've no reason to feel bad about wanting to keep things as they are).

    Explain that long before he came into the picture you made a pact with yourself that you weren't going to get involved so intimately. Let him know that sex isn't an end-of-course exam for you. It's not something you do just to get promoted.

    While you're at it, you need to tell him that taking a relationship to the "next level" requires more than increasing the amount of physical interaction. It's bogus to believe that a relationship can't grow unless two people begin having sex. Ask this guy to be a little more creative in finding ways to develop your relationship. Maybe instead of him following his hormones he should follow his heart.

    Sex isn't a magic wand. It can't make someone stay and it definitely doesn't make a relationship more stable or valuable. If this guy truly cares for you, he will be with you even if you take a vow of chastity.

    Far too often we try to please people, but at what price? Keeping this guy isn't worth much if you lose your self-respect. Stick to your convictions. Not having sex is your choice, and you have all the right to choose it.

    NEXT WEEK'S PROBLEM

    I'm talking to this boy at school. We're not boyfriend and girlfriend, but we talk seriously. He doesn't seem to get that I want to be more than what we are, and every time I see him he's constantly flirting with some other girl. I really like him and want this to work. What should I do?Do you have any advice for this 15-year-old Augusta girl?

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