When I was young there was no respect for the young, and now that I am old there is no respect for the old. I missed out coming and going.
- J.B. Priestly
Speaking of the troubles of aging, Everett Fernandez shares this delightful collection of classified personal ads:
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
MOVING MESSAGE: New car? I've got your bumper sticker suggestions.
TODAY'S JOKE: It seems the young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he observed very closely the rite of baptism by immersion.
He was greatly interested in it, and the next morning proceeded to baptize his three cats in the bathtub.
The kitten bore it very well, and so did the young cat, but the old family cat rebelled.
It struggled with him, clawed and tore him and got away.
With considerable effort he caught it again and proceeded with the ceremony. But she acted worse than ever, clawed at him, spit, and scratched his hands and face.
Finally, after barely getting her splattered with water, he dropped her on the floor in disgust and said: "Fine, be a Methodist."
Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 823-3344 or firstname.lastname@example.org.