Originally created 11/15/02

These students have a lot of learning left to do



There ain't no rules around here! We're trying to accomplish something!

- Thomas Edison

A common theme during the political season has been education, and probably for good reason. We all know there is room for improvement.

Someone has passed along this list of supposed answers to a sixth-grade history test.

See what you think:

  • Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
  • Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak.
  • Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen, she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "Hurrah!"
  • Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
  • It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
  • Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin, which he built with his own hands.
  • Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster he kept up in his attic. Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large.
  • Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music.
  • (Live and learn.)

    * * *

    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Marriages are made in heaven. So are thunder and lightning.

    * * *

    TODAY'S JOKE: It was Palm Sunday, and, because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches, and the boy asked what they were for.

    "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older brother explained.

    "Wouldn't you know it," the younger child fumed. "The one Sunday I don't go, he showed up!"

    Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 823-3344 or bkirby@augustachronicle.com.