Originally created 11/05/02

Fun with politics



Election Day is no joke, but that hasn't stopped political pundits from poking fun at the American process.

Because the Augusta area will be dealing with hot election issues and new technology at the polls, lines could get a little long at precincts. So we've scoured the Internet for jokes and funny quotes to keep you company while standing in line to vote, because, as Will Rogers said, "People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke."

JOKES

  • A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?"
  • The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune."

    The liberal said, "I'm a liberal, I'm always happy to share."

    The genie said, "OK. Whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?"

    "I would like a new sports car."

    "OK, you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?"

    "I'd like $1 million."

    "OK. You get $1 million, and every conservative gets $2 million. What's your third and final wish?"

    "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

  • Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides.
  • Finally, one says, "Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?"

    The other agrees enthusiastically and they part.

    Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, "That was a sporting offer you made."

    "Not really," says the second, "That's the third time I've done that today."

  • A little girl asked her father, "Daddy, do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"
  • He replied, "No, there's a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise."'

    QUOTABLE QUOTES

    "Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." - Groucho Marx

    "The Democrats are the party of government activism, the party that says government can make you richer, smarter, taller, and get the chickweed out of your lawn. Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then get elected and prove it." - P.J. O'Rourke, Parliament of Whores

    "Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country." - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

    "What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?" - Washington Mayor Marion Barry

    "He can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth." - former Texas Gov. Ann Richards on misstatements made by George Bush Sr.

    "I'm not one who - who flamboyantly believes in throwing a lot of words around." - former President George Bush

    "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." - former Vice President Dan Quayle

    "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it." - President George W. Bush

    COWS & POLITICS EXPLAINED A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

    A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

    AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

    AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. Your feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

    DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

    CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cows.

    LATE-NIGHT FUNNIES

    "In polls in Florida, Jeb Bush is leading Democrat challenger Bill McBride by six points. However, since this is Florida, there is a 2,000-point margin of error with the poll." - Jay Leno

    "Robert Torricelli, a powerful fund-raiser who helped raise more than $100 million for the Democratic party, took inappropriate gifts from a businessman, including an $8,000 gold Rolex watch, for which he was severely admonished by the Senate Ethics Committee in July. To recap: raising $100 million in contributions from gigantic corporations - ethical; taking a watch - unethical. That's the Senate Ethics Committee, an oxymoron since 1974." - Jon Stewart

    "Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote, and 1 percent of the vote went for last-minute candidate Frank Lautenberg." - David Letterman

    A GUIDE TO NEWSPAPERS

  • The Wall Street Journal is read by people who run the country.
  • The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
  • The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
  • USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand The Washington Post. They do, however, like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
  • The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
  • The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
  • The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are a handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.
  • The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.
  • Source: politicalhumor.about.com