Originally created 06/28/02

Sometimes school quizzes call for creative answers

Nothing is as terrible to see as ignorance in action.

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Going to school gets more difficult each day. Not only do we have the courts frowning on the Pledge of Allegiance but we also have all those questions they keep asking. (We used to call these tests.)

The results can be surprising, according to these examples of quiz results shared by a reader.

Question: Name the four seasons.

Answer: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Question: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

Answer: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Question: What causes the tides in the oceans?

Answer: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the moon. All water tends to flow toward the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Question: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

Answer: Premature death.

Question: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)

Answer: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels.

Question: What is the fibula?

Answer: A small lie.

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POSTCARDS: Mike Marcano sends a card from London. And from Mount Rushmore, Larry and Ruth Maioriello, Dan and Loretta Bouvier, Roy and Gladys Howard, Wilma Tucker, James and Lou Ann Burnett, Lou and Ora Davis and Joann Brassell send this report: "Our traveling group is touring Utah, South Dakota, Wyoming and Montana before bowling in the ABC Men's National Bowling Tournament in Billings, Mont. On our way to Yellowstone soon! Our regards to our friends in Augusta."

* * *

TODAY'S JOKE: A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Morton, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."

Suddenly, Morton bursts into tears.

"You should cry," his brother whispers to him, "pulling a stunt like this."

"You don't understand," Morton says through his tears. "They left out the phone number!"

Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 823-3344 or bkirby@augustachronicle.com.


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