Originally created 07/24/01

Xtreme advice



THIS WEEK'S PROBLEM: I was at a party and I heard my best friend talking about me behind my back. But now that I've confronted her about it, she denies it. She still wants to be my best friend, but I don't know what I want to do. Should I trust her? - 14-year-old Edgefield girl

Here's what you had to say:

I think if she was your best friend, she wouldn't have talked about you behind your back in the first place.

Confront her about it, and then I say give her the silent treatment. She'll come apologize to you.

She's your friend, you should trust her to some extent - but once a liar, always a liar.

It will take a lot to trust her, and if you can't trust her, you can't be friends. Friends don't stab each other in the back. If I was you, I would say, "Hey, we need to start rebuilding our friendship, because if I can't trust you, we don't need to talk."

You should not trust her, because if she did it once, she'll do it again. After you've confronted her, let it go ... don't even worry what she's got to say.

I think you should tell your best friend that you heard her talking about you behind your back. Make her own up to it, make her tell the truth - and then I still wouldn't talk to her.

If you personally heard her talk about you, and you know she did and she denies it, that's a way to tell that you cannot trust her. If you saw it with your own eyes, that tells you that she will lie about anything. If I was you, I wouldn't talk to her - and if you do talk to her, I would tell her certain things. You shouldn't get that close to her.

You shouldn't trust your friend if she was talking about you, but you can still get along with her without any problem. Just don't talk to her.

I don't think you should be her friend anymore, because she talked about you behind your back, so there's no telling what she'd do.

That isn't your best friend, because she wouldn't be talking about you behind your back. If she still wants to be your best friend, you've got a lot to think about. Ask her, "Why would you talk about me behind my back, because best friends are supposed to be there for each other? If you really want to be my friend, you'd better do a lot of begging and pleading."

Xtreme reporter Alisa DeMao says: This could have serious repercussions for your friendship, so be sure you didn't misinterpret what you heard. If you're positive she was talking about you behind your back, you need to reassess your friendship, and decide how important it is to you.

This girl has shown she's not trustworthy. Talking about you behind your back is bad enough, even though people can act stupidly on the spur of the moment, say hurtful things and then feel bad about it later. But she compounded the problem by lying about it when you confronted her. If she had said, "Yes, I did it, and this is why, and I'm sorry," it still would have affected your friendship, but at least you would know she was honest with you.

Trust is a basis of any close relationship. If she doesn't have a problem talking about you - and then lying to your face about it - you need to ask yourself if she really considers you a friend. Do you want that kind of friend?

If you think the friendship is important enough to both of you to try to salvage it, don't jump right back in. You'll have to explain to her that everything won't go back to normal right away. She now has to prove that she's trustworthy, and that can be a long process.

Next week's problem

My boyfriend and I have been going out for a year and a half. He says it's time to move on to another level in our relationship. What should I do?

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