Now what are we going to do with our wretched selves the rest of the summer? How do we even begin to fill the void in our empty, pathetic existence now that the Augusta Stallions' season has gone kaput?
With the Stallions missing the arenafootball2 playoffs after Friday's 70-44 loss to Jacksonville, we've got nothing to look forward to for 82 more days, when the Augusta Lynx open the 2001-02 hockey season.
Of course, there's the traditional standby, Augusta GreenJackets baseball, to satisfy our pro sports cravings for another six weeks or so.
But are we really supposed to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives now? Do we just grin and bear it, knowing we've seen our last 50-yard indoor war in 2001; experienced our last glimpse of the magic that is Tony the Pony, felt our last bone-jarring hit by $200-a-game mercenaries who put it on the line for the multitudes at Augusta-Richmond County Civic Center?
What we need is some action to get us through this down time between the Minor League of Minor League Football Season and hockey.
A new kind of indoor war. Something to rekindle the flickered-out torch we once carried for our beloved Stallions in 2001. Something, quite frankly, to give us another excuse to tailgate.
Yes, Augusta, you have spoken. Until the ice men cometh in October, you simply cannot live on the GreenJackets, two-a-days and boat races alone.
Right now, ours is a sports landscape that's barren. It's time to fertilize it.
So we're stepping in. We've got three ideas, a collection of new indoor sports to toss around at the water cooler.
But, remember, there's a tiny window of opportunity here. We've gotta crank this baby up by month's end if we're gonna squeeze in an eight-week season.
To all you wannabe franchise owners: ACT NOW! We'll waive the first month's payment on our hefty consulting fee and even offer you no payments, interest-free, for 90 days!! Void where prohibited by law. McBean residents, add 5 percent sales tax.
Submitted for your approval:
The World League of Full-Contact Arena Miniature Golf: What happens when you take the greatest miniature golf players on the planet, clad them in helmets and shoulder pads, replace windmills and waterfalls with blitzing linebackers and steel cages? How 'bout the Most Exciting 18 Holes on Turf.
WLFCAMG matches feature two-man teams of a putter and blocker/tackler. On offense, the blocker protects his flatstick specialist. On defense, he's gunning for the opposing putter. Sacked on the tee box? Lose two strokes. No penalties for chop blocking. Unnecessary roughness? We think not.
af3videofootball, presented by EA Sports: Cut loose by an af2 team? We've got just the league just for you. arenafootball3, where 11-man teams gather around the PlayStation at midfield and face off on the JumboTron. Fans, you call the plays using special laptop computers designed by Regis Philbin. Binoculars will be distributed free at Augusta home games because you can't see anything on those civic center screens.
National Icesketball Association: Remember the Augusta Drive's illustrious two-game history in the American Major Basketball League? This tells us the concept of minor-league hoops won't fly here, which certainly must be why the new NBA developmental league isn't coming to town. Enter Icesketball, a new game combining roundball and Canada's national pastime. Seven-footers on skates? Triple-Salchow slam dunks? Now that's entertainment!
Reach Rob Mueller at (706) 823-3425 or firstname.lastname@example.org.