Originally created 07/10/01

Sexual pressure is no sign of friendship



THIS WEEK'S PROBLEM My best friend likes this boy. A week ago, she found out he had another girlfriend and dumped him. They still talk, and she told me he wants to have sex with her. She's thinking about doing it because she says he's someone she can talk to and she doesn't want to lose his friendship. What should I say to her? - 13-year-old Augusta girl

Here's what you had to say:

I think that she should move on because apparently he's using her. He doesn't want but one thing, and she can talk to other friends than him.

I don't think you should worry about them. Let them deal with their problems.

He may be a good friend to talk to, but you aint' gotta have sex with a friend. If he wants to be her friend, she ain't gotta do that for him. I wouldn't even worry about him. She can find other boys in this world to talk to ... She doesn't need to do that. She's only 13.

She is way too young to even be considering sleeping with someone. You said before he had another girlfriend while he was with her, so she may not be able to trust him. She shouldn't worry about losing his friendship. ... If he was a true friend, her saying no shouldn't be a problem.

You should tell your friend to decide which means more to her: her self-respect or his friendship. You should tell her, if he will stop being her friend over sex, she deserves better. Judging from previous experience, he can't be trusted with anything, because he has another girlfriend. If she's as young as 13, like you, she shouldn't have sex anyway. She should wait 'til she finds someone who's right for her - someone she loves, who loves her - and wait until she's older.

Tell your friend that she's stupid to sleep with a boy who has a girlfriend. And plus, he cheated on her. It doesn't make any sense.

She shouldn't be doing it in the first place because she's too young, but you might should stay out of your friend's business if you want to stay her friend.

Don't have sex with him. He already has a girlfriend.

I think you should convince her not to have sex with that person. They must not be too much of friends, if that's the only thing he wants from her. If he's someone she can talk to, tell her to talk to him and tell him not to just want her for that one thing.

First of all, if the guy had another girlfriend, he's not being honest anyway, so she shouldn't trust him. Second of all, 13 years old is still young, she should wait until she's older and has had more of a chance to get to know guys and meet someone who's worth having sex with - not someone who's probably going to hurt you again. He's not worth being friends with if he's going to try to have sex with her and cheat on her. I say, don't worry about losing his friendship. He's not worth being friends with.

Xtreme reporter Alisa DeMao says: She was smart enough to dump him. What happened between then and now? Advise her to stay far, far away from this guy. If he's trying to get her to have sex with him after he cheated on her, he's a dog. He has an astounding amount of nerve.

The last thing you need to do is push her toward him, so don't get up in her face. Tell her that you're worried about her getting hurt again. Point out that she couldn't trust him before, and she shouldn't trust him now. You also need to remind her that, unless she's considerably older than you, it would be statutory rape - even if it's consensual - because it's illegal in Georgia to have sex with anyone younger than 16. Your friend wouldn't have to be the one to tell the police. Anyone could file a report.

Tell her that this will be a true test of his friendship - is he willing to be her friend if he can't get in her pants? If not, she needs to dump him as a friend the same way she dumped him as a boyfriend.

Part of the answer to last week's Advice Line question was cut off. The question was: I don't know how to tell my parents that I'm gay. What should I do? - 17-year-old Augusta girl

Here's the rest of the answer from Russ Holloman, a family therapist in Augusta:

Talk to parents individually, beginning with the parent you feel closer to and who you think would be more understanding. That way, you only have to deal with one reaction at a time - and your parents won't have to deal with each other's reactions at the same time. Then, ask the parent you've talked to for help in discussing your situation with the other parent.

"Say, 'I have these feelings, this is what's happening in my life right now, and I'm hoping to make sense of it,"' Dr. Holloman says. "Say, 'I wanted to share this with you first because I hope you can help me tell the other person. I don't want to keep it a secret from them."'

NEXT WEEK'S PROBLEM:

My best friend and my sister aren't getting along. My friend asked me if I would jump in if they got in a fight. That's my best friend and my sister. I don't even know if I should jump in.

Do you have any advice for this Augusta girl? Call the Advice Line at 442-4444 and press 8614. You'll have one minute to answer.

Got a problem? Call 442-4444 and press 8613. You'll have one minute to give us your situation. Please speak clearly and state your age and the town you live in.

You can also e-mail your problems to ademao@augustachronicle.com. Put "Advice Line" in the subject line. All e-mail addresses will be kept confidential. Questions may be condensed for space.