Originally created 02/13/01

Perspective shapes take on weather

Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out.

- Art Linkletter

I know the rest of the country might be complaining about how cold things are.

From reviewing the national news reports, the winter of '01 is supposed to be pretty harsh - heating worries, energy shortages, that sort of thing.

It makes me feel almost guilty.

Maybe that's why we live here.

Others parts of the country aren't so lucky, which is why someone sent me the following:

Midwest TemperatureConversion Chart

60 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves and woolly hats. Minnesotans sunbathe.

50 degrees - Georgians try to turn on the heat. Ohioans plant gardens.

40 degrees - Italian cars won't start. Indianans drive with the windows down.

32 degrees - Distilled water freezes. Lake Superior's water gets thicker.

20 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably. In Michigan, they have the last cookout before it gets cold.

Zero - Californians fly away to Mexico. Ohioans throw on a light jacket over a sweatshirt.

20 below - People in Miami cease to exist. Michiganders get out their winter coats.

40 below - Hollywood disintegrates. Ohio Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.

80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes. Minnesotans rent some videos.

100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Ohioans get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Illinois cows moo at farmers with cold hands.

460 below - All atomic motion stops. In Minnesota they start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below - Hell freezes over. Vikings, Lions, Browns or Bengals finally win a Super Bowl.

* * *

GUY ALERT! Wednesday is Valentine's Day, so drop whatever you're doing and get that woman in your life something special.

A card. Candy. Flowers, if you've been particularly neglectful.

Don't let this annual event surprise you into a last-minute rush to the grocery store to paw through red and pink leftovers.

Trust me. Excuses are not an option.

There are two ways of arguing with women.

And neither one works.

* * *

TODAY'S JOKE: Every morning for years, at about 11:30, the telephone operator in a small Nevada town received a call from a man asking the exact time.

One day, the operator summed up the nerve enough to ask him why the regularity.

"I'm foreman of the local sawmill," he explained. "Every day, I have to blow the whistle at noon so I call you to get the exact time."

"That's funny," the operator giggled. "All this time, we've been setting our clock by your whistle."

Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 868-1222, Ext. 107.


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