Originally created 05/20/00

Who slaughtered the Caucasoids?

A letter, April 30, by Sara Lieb, an apparent ombudswoman for American Indians, seemed disgruntled over all the publicity that the flag flap was receiving. Not to be outdone, Ms. Lieb rambled on about the sufferings and misfortunes of the American Indian at the hands of the greedy, lustful, ignoble and dastardly white man.

By coincidence, another article appeared in The Chronicle the same day by Randall Floyd, who wrote about some archaeological findings that indicated...a Caucasoid people existed prior to the arrival of the Asian immigration into the New World. If this hypothesis is correct, one might ask, "Where are the descendants of these people in the New World?"

Research at the Touchie-Feelie Institute of Good Feelings, guided by the rigorous research standards and latest methodology of the Department of Revisionism and Victimization, indicates that these peaceful, intelligent and communal Caucasoids succumbed to the hordes of savage and ferocious Asian warriors.

The Asian hunters slaughtered giant bison, depriving the gentle Caucasians of food and clothing.

The Asian warriors introduced opium, sake and spaghetti, causing addiction and obesity problems like the deadly "Pickwickian Syndrome."

Those that survived were herded onto boats and sent across the icy waters and frozen tundra of the Arctic, to labor in the ice-cube factories of Siberia. Yet hundreds of thousands managed to jump ship and land on ice floes that carried them to Russia, Sweden, Norway and Ireland.

Even today, archaeologists stumble on an occasional ice floe that contains some remnants of these peace-loving people - and polar bears still stalk the route that these slave ships followed in hope of devouring some fresh white meat.

If anybody deserves an apology, it's these first New World citizens and perhaps, someday, we'll place a flag on Point Barrow, Alaska, honoring these gracious people.

So you see, Ms. Lieb, everybody is a victim - and if everybody is a victim, then there are no victims.

Mike Henchy, Hephzibah


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