Originally created 05/19/00

Religion with a hint of country

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

- Will Rogers

With the weekend upon us, Beverly in Martinez passes along these signs so you'll know if you're attending a country church:

The restroom is outside.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and five guys stand up.

A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel-drive truck because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of."

In the annual stewardship drive, there is at least one pledge of two calves.

Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.

The church directory doesn't have last names.

The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer, and then only so their neighbors can't leave them another bag of squash.

There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.

It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.

* * *

MAILBAG: Lib, Virgil and Ann of Augusta send a postcard from the Crook & Chase Theater in Myrtle Beach, S.C.

* * *

JUST PEACHY: And if you're traveling next month, this could be fun. The Georgia Peach Festival will celebrate in Byron and Fort Valley by giving away free samples of the "World's Largest Peach Cobbler." They don't say exactly how big this peach cobbler is, but what do you care? Admission is free.

For details, call toll-free (877) 322-4371.

* * *

TODAY'S JOKE: It seems there was an old drunk who accidentally stumbled upon a baptismal service one Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeded to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.

Now, the minister noticed the old drunk and, thinking he would make a fine example, said, "Mister, are you ready to find the Lord?"

The drunk looked at him with a bit of startled clarity and said, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."

The minister then dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him right back up.

"Have you found the Lord, yet?" the preacher asked.

"Nooo, I didn't!" sputtered the drunk.

The preacher then dunked him under for a bit longer, brought him up and said, "Now, brother, have you found the Lord?"

"No, reverend," the fellow said, coughing out water.

With righteous disgust, the pastor held the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, bringing him out of the water and saying in a harsh tone, "My good man, have you found the Lord yet?"

The old drunk wiped his eyes, coughed up some more water and said to the preacher, "No! Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 868-1222, Ext. 107, or bkirby@augustachronicle.com.


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