Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde
Time for a Valentine's Day quiz. The following is provided by the Neckwear Association of America. See how you do.
1. If a man you have met for the first time is constantly adjusting his tie, does it mean he is: (A.) Wearing a tight collar (B.) Uncomfortable around women (C.) Unconsciously expressing his attraction to you?
2. If you see another woman adjusting your companion's tie, is she: (A.) Looking for "ring around the collar" (B.) Making a play for him (C.) Trying to make you jealous?
3. A man who prefers neckties that are predominantly red in color is: (A.) An extrovert (B.) A frustrated firefighter (C.) A passionate lover.
4. When a woman gave a tie in romantic 17th century France, it meant: (A.) Even then, French restaurants required them (B.) It would protect the wearer from physical harm (C.) Not all department stores carried them.
5. A woman who loosens a man's tie is: (A.) Trying to help him relax (B.) Keeping her hands busy (C.) Subconsciously seducing him.
6. When a woman gives a tie to a man as a gift, does it mean she's: (A.) Influenced by soap operas (B.) A believer in the body language theory (C.) Carrying on the romantic medieval tradition of giving her "colors" to a knight.
7. He says he "loves your intellect," but if he's constantly loosening his tie: (A.) His next question is, "your place or mine?" (B.) He's saying how masculine he is. (C.) He's indicating how relaxing it is to be with you.
The Neckwear Association's answers: 1-C, 2-B, 3-A (but watch out for C), 4-B, 5-C, 6-C and 7-A or C (It's up to you to decide.)
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MODERN LIFE: Paul Perdue of Martinez writes: "I was using the automated teller machine at the supermarket checkout to pay for my groceries. The man in back of me tapped me on the shoulder and asked what the machine was for. When I explained, `It takes my money right out of my account without my even seeing it,' he thought for a moment and said, `I guess I don't need that machine, my wife's been doing that for me for years.' "
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SKIN TIPS, CONTINUED: Randy in North Augusta writes: "In reference to the recent articles about cracked fingers, the best solution I've discovered is a product called NEW SKIN. It is a liquid bandage and you just paint it on with an applicator brush -- included with the bottle of new skin. You will see immediate relief!! I have at one time or another used nearly all the products mentioned in your column and found this to be the best by far."
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TODAY'S JOKE: Comes from Vince in Augusta.
A tourist riding down a country road in the Deep South passed a young boy walking down the lane wearing only one shoe. He stopped the car and asked the boy, "You lose a shoe?"
"Nope," the boy replied, "I just found one."
Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 868-1222, Ext. 107.