We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. I just can't figure out where else to play.
-- Pat Williams
This time of year papers are always full of photos showing New Year's babies.
It's reassuring. Life is going on.
Pass out the cigars.
But babies don't come overnight. There is that wonderful nine-month condition called pregnancy, which is a sensitive time for all involved.
We shouldn't be surprised. If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.
Those of you who have gone through it know what I mean.
So does reader Aimee Elwell, who passes a long list of things one should NEVER say to a pregnant woman.
See what you think.
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Darned if you ain't about 5 pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt!"
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your own ice cream."
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."
"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger ..."
* * *
It seems four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. A nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence," he said, "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
Soon, another nurse came in and told the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."
"What a coincidence," he said. "I work for the 3M Corp."
An hour later, a nurse came in to see the two remaining men and told one of them his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. "I don't believe it," he said. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to remaining guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor.
A couple of nurses tried to revive him, only to hear him keep whispering, "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up ..."
Reach Bill Kirby at (706) 868-1222, Ext. 107.