Originally created 02/17/99

Pointers offered for non-natives

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

-- Paul Fix

Today, let's talk about advice.

There's a lot of it out there and for some reason, people are often sending it to me.

Someone, for example, has passed along some suggestions for non-Southerners on how to deal with us natives.

Some samples:

If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen.

Or that their mammas taught them to aim.

And if you do settle in the South and bear children, don't be upset if they are not immediately accepted as Southerners.

After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

* * *

For more advice, a Fort Lauderdale, Fla., advertising agency has launched a billboard campaign that used different messages and signed them "from God."

The nondenominational campaign started in September and was sponsored by an anonymous client. Here are some examples. See what you think.

"C'mon Over And Bring The Kids" -- God

"What Part of `Thou Shalt Not ...' Did You Not Understand?" "Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer"

"Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage"

"Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place?"

"You Think It's Hot HERE ..."

* * *

TODAY'S RIDDLE: Forward I am heavy, backward I am not. What am I?

* * *

TODAY'S JOKE: From Ruth Tewes.

One day, a man rubbed a magic lamp. A genie popped out and said, "You have three wishes. I will grant whatever you wish for. But remember, every politician in the world gets twice as much as you wish for, so be careful what you request."

"That's easy!" the man said, "I want a million dollars."

A big pile of cash appeared in front of him.

"Now, each politician has 2 million," the genie added.

The man said, "Never mind! I am happy as long as I have my million. Now, I want a Mercedes."

A red Mercedes appeared in front of him and the genie said, "Now, each politician has two of these."

The man was happier than ever. He thought about his last wish, and said, "You know, I have always wanted to donate a kidney ..."

Bill Kirby can be reached at (706) 868-1222, Ext. 107, or bkirby@augustachronicle.com.


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