Originally created 10/25/98

Hollywood could save president



The past few months haven't been so good for the president.

What he needs is a pop in the polls, a rise in the ratings.

He needs to pick up momentum before those elections.

Quite simply, he needs a plan.

And I have one.

Name new Cabinet members.

Let's face it, the past few administrations have seen presidents making the predictable selections of the usual suspects.

They are seemingly chosen on two promises: first, to stand behind the chief executive with a look of slack-jawed admiration any time he speaks in public. And second, to resign before any future indictments are announced.

It wasn't always so.

George Washington, the first president, selected the best people available, regardless of party. Abe Lincoln actually appointed political enemies to his Cabinet because, he told a friend, it made them easier to watch.

Mr. Clinton needs similar innovative thinking.

Expertise? It's overrated.

No, Mr. Clinton needs to go to the one place in America where they still believe anything is possible.

The one place, the insiders say, where they already are preparing a place for Bill Clinton when he leaves the White House.

That place is Hollywood.

That's where he could fill out a Cabinet that would take us into the 21st century with folks who realize that you don't necessarily have to know what you're doing, as long as you look like you know what you're doing.

Folks like:

Attorney General Ally McBeal: After six years of Janet Reno, a new way to get the Supreme Court's attention. The rest of us pay attention when she replaces Ken Starr with Agents Mulder and Sculley.

Secretary of State Ophrah Winfrey: Negotiating is basically like hosting a talk show. Everyone seems to like Ophrah.

She's perfect. In fact, she can create a whole new diplomatic corps with America's wealth of talk-show hosts. Can't you see Gadhafi crying on Sally when he talks about his warped childhood?

Secretary of Treasury Bill Gates: He knows the most about America's money supply because so much of it is already his.

Secretary of Labor James Brown: Still the hardest-working man in any business. Here's a selection we can all feel good about.

Secretary of Defense Bruce Willis: Trouble somewhere else in the world? Send in Bruce and a couple of buddies. They'll improvise and end up saving the world.

Secretary of Energy Robin Williams: He could make nuclear energy seem as safe as Flubber. SRS press conferences would be hilarious.

Secretary of Transportation Leonardo DiCaprio: He should be OK if he stays off boats.

Secretary of Education Barney the dinosaur: Nothing else has worked in 30 years. Let's at least get someone that kids pay attention to. And don't laugh, it might irritate Barney's friend, FBI Director Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Bill Kirby can be reached at (706) 868-1222, Ext. 107, or bkirby@augustachronicle.com.