Originally created 09/06/98

Modern employees lacking



This Labor Day weekend finds Americans dealing with a changing image of their workplace.

Mergers are rampant. Downsizing and layoffs still abound. And the truth is, many Americans work longer hours and seem to get less done.

During several recent labor strikes, in fact, overtime has been a big issue. Workers complain there is too much being offered. Yes, the extra money is appreciated, but more and more cite a need to spend time with their families.

The answer is obvious. Modern times need modern employees.

That's why my personal research staff (no strangers to workplace complaints) has reviewed numerous sources to develop this new evaluation to examine those in the new labor force.

Take the test, yourself. See if you're ready for the jobs of the next millennium.

Job Ability

(A.) Leaps tall buildings with a single bound.

(B.) Must take running start to leap over tall buildings.

(C.) Can leap over short buildings.

(D.) Crashes into buildings while attempting to leap over them.

(E.) Cannot recognize tall buildings.

Job performance

(A.) Walks on water.

(B.) Swims quickly through water.

(C.) Washes with water.

(D.) Drinks water.

(E.) Waters his drinks.

Employee health

(A.) Stronger than a locomotive.

(B.) Stronger than a bull elephant.

(C.) Stronger than a bull.

(D.) Shoots the bull.

(E.) Smells like a bull.

Communications skills

(A.) Talks with the boss.

(B.) Talks like the boss.

(C.) Talks about the boss.

(D.) Talks to himself.

(E.) Argues with himself.

Job Efficiency

(A.) Faster than a speeding bullet.

(B.) Fast as a speeding bullet.

(C.) Not quite as fast as a speeding bullet.

(D.) A slow bullet.

(E.) Wounds self with bullets while attempting to shoot.

Analysis

If you answered A to most of the questions above, congratulations. You are the perfect employee for modern times. You're not human, but you are perfect.

If you answered B to most of the questions, above you are on the right track. Just hope it doesn't lead into a tunnel with a light at the end.

If you ansered C to most of the questions above, you're like many of us. Improvement is needed.

If you answered D to most of the questions above, you're in trouble not only at work, but probably at home, too.

If you answered E to most of the questions above, you have serious problems functioning in the modern workplace.

On the other hand, have you ever considered politics?



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