In autumn a woman's fancy turns, not to love, but to fall fashion. What to wear? Fashion is so fickle. One season it's the "year of the bustier"; the next, it's the "year of the sarong." I keep waiting for it to be the "year of the polyester sweat suit" or to have Paris and Milan proclaim that elastic waistbands are this season's "must-have" sensation, but no luck so far.

I'm far from a fashion maverick. I get nostalgic for puka beads and refuse to part with my Flashdance-inspired clothes because I'm convinced off-the-shoulder sweaters and leg warmers are due for a big comeback.

Therefore, I, like many women, consult fashion magazines to learn what's "in" this autumn. The latest issue of Vogue earnestly advises readers to mix velvet with ostrich skin, and darn it, I'm going to be a fashion pariah this year because I don't own a stitch of ostrich.

On another note, this year's fall essentials are thigh-high boots, which is very bad news for those of us who have trouble zipping the boots over calves, much less over body parts as formidable as thighs. Give me ankle boots any day!

"White tights are white hot!" announces another glossy. Tragically, the only people who are "hot" in white tights are menopausal nurses.

Charlize Theron is the model for Harper's Bazaar this month, and is breathtaking in a beaded dress by Valentino. If designers really wanted to impress us, they should come up with clothes that look good not only on Charlize, a size 4 movie star, but also on Bernice, a size 14 Wal-Mart greeter.

Women often are accused of committing fashion "crimes" by magazines. Some offenses, such as wearing pantyhose with open-toed shoes, are fashion misdemeanors. Others, such as the swan dress Bjrk wore to the 2001 Oscars, qualify as felonies.

If you're not a fashion criminal, you might be a fashion victim, which means you'll wear a dress made out of barbed wire so long as it has a designer label. But worse than fashion victims are women stuck in style ruts. Queen Elizabeth is the perfect example. When will she trade that old-fashioned clasp purse for a Louis Vuitton? As for her hats, she looks as though she's been browsing on Broad Street.

A while ago, I bought a little black dress, thinking I couldn't go wrong with such a timeless choice. Then, I went to a cocktail party and everyone was wearing little brown dresses.

When I asked a friend what was going on, she said, "Haven't you heard? Brown is the new black."

"I though black was the new black."

"That was last year!"

Later, I consulted the latest Elle and discovered that, in fact, paisley was the new black.

Thank God for fashion magazines, I thought as I flipped through their pages. If not for them, we'd still be wearing bones in our hair and animal skins. Then I turned to a layout that trumpeted, "Welcome to the year of the leopard!"

I guess some things never change.

Augusta resident Karin Gillespie is the author of Bet your Bottom Dollar and a Dollar Short (Simon & Schuster). reach her at www.karingillespie.com.