Joe the Plumber became a household word last week when he asked Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama if, as president, he would raise his taxes should he become the owner of his own plumbing company. Sen. Obama said it would be good for everybody "to spread the wealth around," which caused all the Republicans to say, "Uh huh, see there. What did I tell you? He's going to raise our taxes, and give the money to people who don't do anything but sit on their butts."

Republican candidate John McCain couldn't wait to bring Joe the Plumber up in Wednesday's debate with Sen. Obama. So he did, and they debated back and forth, saying things hardly anybody but a tax expert or economist could understand. And to tell you the truth, I don't think they understand what they're saying either, which shouldn't surprise anybody, especially in light of what's happened on Wall Street.

I tried to find Joe the Plumber here in Augusta to see if he understood what they were talking about, and the only one I could come up with was Joe McMahon at Gold Mech Plumbing Service, but he said he's not licensed. I told him not to worry, the other Joe wasn't either. Then he said he's not really a plumber but a heating and air conditioning man.

"HVAC," he said. "Chillers and boilers."

Nevertheless, he said his boss, Tom Dozier, wants to capitalize on Joe the Plumber's 15 minutes of fame and has already asked him to do a TV commercial for Gold Mech.

So I settled for talking to Harry the Plumber at Southern Plumbing, who said what "spreading the wealth around" always means is "tax increase," and that his business would definitely be affected. It would keep him from hiring people and force him to charge his customers more. What people don't understand, he said, is that business owners pay taxes on everything associated with their businesses, not how much money they take home.

"The government's not interested in what you take home," he said.

So then I called Joe the Accountant, also known as Augusta Commissioner Joe Bowles, to get his take on the "spreading" phenomenon.

"I think Karl Marx would be very pleased," he said. "And Ronald Reagan's prediction that freedom is only one generation away from becoming extinct is true."

I'm sure the Democrats think Mr. Bowles is full of what plumbers get called to get out of pipes.

SPREADING THE WISHFUL THINKING AROUND: Well, you know Joe. He's a fiscal conservative like the rest of the Republicans. Ha! Ha!

He tries though. He presented City Administrator Fred Russell with a list of suggested budget reductions for 2009 totaling $5.8 million. He proposes a 15 percent, or $1.2 million, cut to recreation and eliminating the Richmond County Human Relations Commission's $321,767 appropriation, along with a $713,359 cut to the budget for things cultural.

Mr. Bowles also proposes reducing the tax assessor's budget by $615,295 and Richmond County Correctional Institute's by $570,652. He would cut $392,732 from traffic engineering; $157,561 from trees and landscaping; and $100,000 from Hyde Park enhancement.

He also would eliminate Augusta Tomorrow's $95,000 appropriation, in addition to the $67,180 summer youth employment program.

I hope doing all that imaginary budget cutting made Joe feel good because that's all he'll get for his efforts.

Too many sacred cows.

TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY: Keith "Which Way Is Home?" Brown was in court Friday morning to respond to the warrant his wife, Sabrina, took out on him a few weeks ago, but Civil and Magistrate Judge Scott Allen dismissed the case when Mrs. Brown didn't appear. She'd been there earlier with divorce papers for him to sign, which he did, Mr. Brown said.

He tells a totally different story about what happened the night Mrs. Brown had him arrested. He said he went to the house to take his daughters some money and that when he found his 17-year-old daughter and her boyfriend there without adult supervision, he called Mrs. Brown, who came home in a rage and called the sheriff's office. When the deputy told him to leave, his van wouldn't start. He finally got it started, went to a service station and called a mechanic who lived nearby who told him his alternator was shot.

Mr. Brown said he drove the van back to the house because it had no lights. He said he was in the process of transferring some shirts he'd planned to sell at a football game in South Carolina into another vehicle at the house, when the officer came back, handcuffed and arrested him.

As for whether he will resign from the Coliseum Authority because he reportedly told officers he was living in Clearwater, which, if true, means he would have to resign from the authority, Mr. Brown said he lives at his store on Druid Park Avenue and that he will not resign.

"They should make me the chairman," he said.

GETTING OLD IS HELL: As our animals age, the list of medications they take gets longer and longer just as my memory is getting shorter and shorter.

I took Molly in for blood work and X-rays last week and Mickey and Little Lucky went along for rabies shots and checkups. Little Lucky is obese, and both he and Mickey have arthritis, so the veterinarian recommended a joint-care supplement in addition to the medication they're already taking once a day.

So now Molly is on Trilostane for her Cushings disease, vitamins and hormones; Beaureguard gets phenobarbitol twice a day for seizures; E.D. gets Allergee for itching; Mickey and L.L. get Previcox once a day and joint supplements twice a day; and Annie gets sprayed for hot spots.

It would be hard to keep all that straight even if I didn't have to hide the pills in weenie pieces to get them to take them. Sometimes I forget which piece is which. When that happens, I just take them myself.

UNDER THE INFLUENCE: Folks, I apologize for this week's short, not-very-good column, but I am writing under the influence of some very good cough medicine that has warnings on the label saying it might cause dizziness and drowsiness and to be careful driving or operating machinery. But they don't have to warn me. The last time I took it and typed, I made a $16 million mistake in a tax story.

So I almost stayed home today and skipped the column, but we only have a short time left together, and I didn't want to miss a minute of it.