The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.

- John Kenneth Galbraith

Today's economic report is brought to you by the late John Barnes, a favorite columnist for both the Augusta Herald and this newspaper.

Mr. Barnes wrote about many things, including the gas shortages of the 1970s. Someone sent me a copy of one column in which Augusta and North Augusta drivers were complaining about the others using up all their gasoline.

Gee, that wouldn't happen today, would it?

In other economic news, Billy Cooper, of North Augusta, enlightens us on the latest stock market terminology.

Bull market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear market - A 6- to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets nothing.

Value investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E Ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker - What my broker has made me.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Profit - An archaic word no longer in use.

TODAY'S STOCKS: Everett Fernandez presents the stock report.

Helium was up.

Feathers were down.

Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.

Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market.

Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Diapers remained unchanged.

Balloon prices were inflated.

Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

MAIL CALL: Post cards continue to find their way to my desk, including one showing Boston's famed baseball venue Fenway Park, where Rhea Markowitz says the weather is blustery.

Julia Jones, of Bartow, Ga., sends a card from the U.S. Air Force Academy in Colorado. "This is beautiful country," she writes, "but I'd rather live in the CSRA."

Dahlia Miller and Lawana Harris enjoyed the sites of Seattle. Pat and Wayne Fuller, of North Augusta, visited a glacier in Canada, and also saw a bit of Utah.

Gary and Nancy Blanchard are having a "wonderful time visiting around Colorado Springs."

And Ginny and Jeff Guerrant, of Aiken, send a card from Paris, where they found "beautiful weather, great food."

More good news? Gasoline, they say, doesn't cost as much here as it does in France.

TODAY'S ECONOMY JOKE: Here's one shared by Billy Cooper, of North Augusta.

A man and a little boy enter a barbershop together. After the man receives the full treatment of a shave, manicure and haircut, he places the boy in the chair.

"I'm going to buy a tie to wear to the party tonight," he says. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut is over and the man still hasn't returned, the barber says, "It looks like your daddy forgot all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," says the boy. "That man just walked up, took me by the hand, and said, 'Come on, sonny, we're gonna get us a couple of free haircuts!'"