I'm done with getting pregnant. My middle-age eggs prefer to stay in the ovaries watching reruns of The Golden Girls instead of traveling to the fallopian tubes to troll for sperm.

It's a relief that my childbearing days are behind me, because it's far more trying to be an expecting mom than it was in the past. Take maternity clothes. Everyone used to wear paneled slacks and floppy-tie blouses the size of pup tents. Instead of hiding under a drop cloth for nine months, the trend now is to wear crop tops and Daisy Duke shorts so as to bare "the bump."

Pregnant women are continually urged by the fashion industry to dress like "hot mamas." There's even maternity thong underwear, which sounds about as sexy as a sumo wrestler in a Speedo swimsuit. If anyone had suggested I wear thong underwear when I was eight months pregnant, I would have sat on him.

Although some women might want to look hot in the first few months of pregnancy, by the time the third trimester rolls around, it's the last thing on their minds. They don't want to be reminded that "looking hot" is likely what got them in this gassy, swollen state in the first place.

The pressure to be a babe doesn't stop after you give birth. A few years ago, it was perfectly acceptable to sit around all day in a sleep-deprived stupor, eating Little Debbie snack cakes. Now, moms feel obligated to get out to do 10 laps around the block with the baby jogger.

Gone is the era when a woman could blame her tummy roll on baby weight, even if her "baby" is a 37-year-old stockbroker. Thanks to appearance-obsessed celebrities, women are expected to look as fit as Victoria's Secret models before the baby's umbilical cord has fallen off.

When asked, "How did you lose all that baby weight?" a celebrity will toss her long, blond hair extensions and say, "Pilates, 10-mile runs and a macrobiotic diet."

That might be true, but I think it's awfully suspicious that so many liposuction clinics offer on-site child care.

Isn't it time we gave pregnant women and new moms the license to look lousy again?

Women receive maternity leave; let's also grant them leave from diets, fashionable clothes, mascara and the Thigh Master. The leave should extend from the first time a woman sees a plus sign in a pregnancy test until her children are old enough to allow her to take a bath without banging on the door every six seconds.

We should applaud the mom-to-be who wants to wear a muumuu instead of a miniskirt and celebrate those who proudly wear Pablum on their cheeks instead of prescription cosmetics. Let's high-five the gal who announces, "I want fries with that" because she needs the extra carbs to run after her 2-year-old.

If a woman looks the least bit glamorous shortly after giving birth, she should be investigated immediately to prevent her peers from feeling inadequate.

No doubt it will turn out that "Miss Perfect" employs a full-time nanny or has hired a stunt double to strut the red carpet while she stays at home, trying to find a shirt to wear that doesn't smell of spit-up.

Augusta resident Karin Gillespie is the author of BET Your Bottom Dollar andD A Dollar Short (Simon & Schuster). reach her at www.karingillespie.com.