Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!

Va-Va-Va-Voom Venus! Cain wins by decision!

Richmond County Civil and Magistrate Court Presiding Judge, the honorable H. Scott Allen, denied school board Vice President Jabbin' Joe Scott's request to lock Va-Va-Va-Voom Venus! up for threatening to beat his A in a June 15 school board meeting.

The judge chided both of them and board member Bare Knuckles Marion Barnes for using "language more appropriate to pre-K children in a sand box" than people elected to make decisions affecting the education of 33,000 Richmond County children.

Nine of the 10 school board members and several staffers showed up for court Friday, along with board attorney Pete Fletcher. Most of them were rooting for Va-Va-Va-Voom Venus! Burgundy-haired Barbara Pulliam was the only board member in Jabbin' Joe's corner.

LONG DIVISION: What started it all was an argument over whether board members should read the two questions they'd come up with to ask the finalists for the school superintendent's job or to ask them extemporaneously. Bare Knuckles Barnes and others thought everybody should read the questions so there'd be no variations. Jabbin' Joe said nobody was going to tell him how to ask his questions, so he and Bare Knuckles went at it until Va-Va-Va-Voom Venus! asked Jabbin' Joe why he was always trying to divide the board, whereupon he said because he blankety-blank wanted to. You could have lit a fire under Va-Va-Va-Voom Venus! That's when she went around the table and told him she'd kick his A. Board president Jumpin' Jimmy Atkins was so offended by Jabbin' Joe's profanity he immediately jumped in and said there'd be no taking God's name in vain in the board room.

The judge suggested they all apologize for their profanity, which they did, and the judge commended them for it.

"That is the example we want to set for the school children," he said.

HE INTENDS TO PRODUCE A DRAG STRIP: Contrary to what you might hear, local produce company owner Leo Charette has not given up on buying land for a dragstrip off Hephzibah-McBean Road.

"I'm going to try to build this drag strip if it's the last thing I do," he said.

Folks on Hephzibah-McBean Road will be happy to hear that.

HE INTENDS TO PRODUCE A TEE CENTER: City Administrator Fred Russell put the proposed trade, exhibit and event center issue back on Tuesday's city commission meeting agenda, which means he thinks six votes are there to get it approved for the Reynolds Street site. But he'd be the first to tell you that could change in a heartbeat. The proposal to go before the board is to charge a $1 per room per night hotel tax that would pay center capital and operating costs with $750,000 a year left over for improvements in the inner city for the next 50 years.

HE INTENDS TO PRODUCE COMPUTERGATE II: Commissioner Marion Williams wants commissioners to consider re-instating former staff attorney Vanessa Flournoy and has put it on Tuesday's agenda. Ms. Flournoy resigned after the city's new-but-short-term General Counsel Eugene Jessup reported her for using her city computer for real-estate closings earlier this year. For all his trouble, Mr. Jessup was fired, and Computergate gathered steam with Commissioner Calvin Holland's request for a copy of Mr. Russell's computer hard drive, a request that earned him a commission censure.

EXPLORING THE FUNDRAISING: Augusta attorney Barry Fleming says he's "exploring the idea" of running for the 10th Congressional seat next year. He also said a number of people have pledged to donate the maximum amount to his campaign.

Mr. Fleming is said to be expanding his exploration outside the Augusta area, including a recent foray into Congressman Paul Broun's Athens stronghold.

Mr. Fleming and possibly some familiar faces from this year's nonpartisan election to fill Congressman Charlie Norwood's seat will also challenge Mr. Broun in next year's Republican primary election.

HAPPINESS IS HAVING A GOOD PLUMBER: Lewis Harbeson doesn't mince words. That's one reason I like him. The other reasons are that he's a master plumber, electrician and storyteller. Not only that. He knows everybody in Thomson and where they buried the bodies. When there's a problem with the well pump, we call Lewis. When the pipes on the outdoor sink freeze, we call Lewis. When I bought a refrigerator without an ice maker, we called Lewis. He got one from the plumbing supply house and spent the entire day installing it. After about five hours, I despaired and started asking, "Do you think you're going to get it to work?'' He'd just grunt and go back to studying the diagram.

Sometimes he talks about some of the quirky people around town and his experiences, like the time he had to remove the Sheetrock inside this woman's house to get to the pipes. Around 3 a.m. his phone rang, and when he answered it, the woman said, "Lewis, you sealed my cat up in the wall." Lewis said he asked her how she knew that, and she said, "I can hear it howling in there."

And then there was the time he fixed a toilet for Mrs. Ruth Knox and promised to put in a new one in the indefinite future.

Then one morning his phone rang, and a woman who "sounded just like Ms. Ruth," said she wanted him to come and install a new toilet in her house.

"So I went on in and put a new toilet in Ms. Ruth's house," he said. "That night the phone rang and this lady said, 'Lewis, I thought you said you were going to come by and put me in a new toilet.'

"I said, 'Oh, my Lord. I thought you were Mrs. Ruth Knox, and I put a new toilet in her house.' I called Ms. Ruth, and I said, 'Ms. Ruth, why didn't you stop me? I don't just ride down the road and say, 'I think I'll stop in and put a new toilet in somebody's house.'"

That's a blessing.

LOVE ME TENDER: Thirty years after his death, Elvis Presley is still the King. To some like my sister Pat he's also still alive. Pat doesn't acknowledge death like most of us do. She ignores it. And she's Elvis' biggest fan. Her house is filled with Elvis coffee mugs, lamps, trash cans, pocketbooks, watches, CDs, movies, teddy bears and cookie jars. Every time I call her on the phone, she's either watching an Elvis movie, listening to Elvis' music or talking about what she'd like to have from the latest Elvis catalogue.

She'll be 61 years old next month and hinted she'd like to have another Elvis watch she saw in the catalogue. Then she says something like, "I know it costs too much money," to which I say, "How much is it?" and she says $7, which I know can't be true. So I say, "It's probably more like $70," and she agrees. "$70. That's it. $70." Then she says, "That's too much money. I don't need another watch," to which I say, "But you said you wanted it." Then she says, "I don't want it. I don't want it. Don't get it. It's too much money."

After a while, I end up begging her to let me order the watch for her birthday. She finally gives in and says, "You can send it UPS. They'll deliver it out here."

And everybody thinks she's slow.

Reach Sylvia Cooper at (706) 823-3228 or sylvia.cooper@augustachronicle.com.