Can this marriage be saved?

Web posted July 28, 1998

By the Editors of Ladies' Home Journal

"Everyone always jokes that their mother-in-law is crazy,'' says Joy, 40, mother of 9-year-old Krissy, "but how many have one who would jump in a pool fully clothed? How many mothers-in law would encourage their 3-year-old granddaughters to jump in after them?''

In the 10 years that Joy and Russ have been married, Elana has said and done some outrageous things.

Russ never tells Joy when his mother is coming to for a weekend. "This woman shows up on the doorstep,'' Joy says. "What am I supposed to do? She also calls at all hours to ramble on and on about her problems.''

According to Joy, Elana hated her from the moment they met. "She called me a bitch -- she was drunk, but Russ just stood there and said nothing.''

He's been doing that ever since, and the poolside incident is a good example of how all this is affecting their daughter, Joy claims.

"It was Elana's birthday, and the first thing she said when we got to her condo was, 'Let's go for a swim,' Joy recounts. "But it was 50 degrees outside. Elana grabbed Krissy, raced with her to the pool and jumped in -- shoes and all. Then she yelled, 'Come on, Krissy, jump in.' ''

As she watched her daughter's eyes fill with tears, Joy realized that Krissy has witnessed these ugly scenes before. Joy thought it high time Krissy was told that her grandmother Elana is an alcoholic -- but Russ refused to admit that his mother needed help.

"Russ's silence makes me look like the bad guy,'' Joy says. "He has a fit if I even hint at Elana's drinking. He insists I don't know what I'm talking about.''

But Joy does know: Her own father drank himself to death. She worried constantly about him and often put aside her own wishes and dreams to care for him. Now, when her mother-in-law does silly things, and Russ pretends not to notice, it makes her furious.

"I know he loves his mother and feels responsible for her, but it's reached the point where his mother is destroying our marriage.''

Russ, 36, an electrical engineer for a radio station, thinks his wife is being immature and selfish: "Every day I'm torn between my mother and my wife,'' he says. "I dislike being the middleman, and I can't stand it when Joy asks me to talk to my mother or defend her more. I'm doing everything I can already.''

Russ admits he's always felt responsible for his mother. "I'm the oldest, and when my father left, Mother was devastated. She relied on me for everything.''

Joy, he thinks, is far too sensitive about everything. After all, his mother disliked every woman he ever dated.

"Joy overreacts. Like when Mother jumped in the pool. What was the big deal? Nobody got hurt. To be honest, I thought it was kind of funny.''

But now Joy refuses to visit his mother or to allow Krissy to be alone with her, even for an afternoon.

"That's hurtful,'' says Russ. "Krissy is her only granddaughter. She deserves to see her more than once or twice a year. She's lonely. Joy is so certain my mother will say or do something terrible, it's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy.''

The best way to handle his mother, Russ says, is to ignore her. "Why is that so hard for my wife to understand?''

Making peace

"Coincidentally, Russ and Joy both bear the legacy of having lived with an alcoholic parent -- yet neither recognized the destructive patterns of thinking and behaving that affect every aspect of their lives and are slowly destroying their marriage,'' says Pamela Monday, a marriage and family therapist in Austin, Texas. "Right now, they're struggling with a classic intrusive in-law problem -- though it's exacerbated by Elana's longstanding battle with alcohol.''

Russ and Joy both had the responsibility of caring for a beloved parent at an early age. Children who are so busy caring for others often grow up to believe they have no needs of their own. They also feel powerless: Despite their constant efforts, they weren't able to make the parent better. Their insecurity and fear of confrontation prevented them from addressing their problems head-on.

If you often find yourself embroiled in constant arguments over (his) mother, some of the underlying issues that divided Joy and Russ may also be preventing you from resolving marital conflicts. Perhaps the suggestions that helped this couple can help you achieve a better balance in your marriage.

Dig out the core issues triggering battles. Most in-law problems are power struggles of one form or another, a competition for your mate's time and love. To unearth these struggles, draw a "genogram'' -- a family tree or blueprint of how family members function and relate to each other over at least three generations.

On a large sheet of paper, trace each member of your family, and note each person's main characteristics or personality traits. Besides mapping out who was married to whom, a genogram also reveals whether members got along or fought, as well as strategies they used to cope with problems. When Joy and Russ saw their family history in black and white, they were astonished at the similarities and connections. This helped them see what areas they needed to work on.

Understand how your mother-in-law mothered. Though you're his wife, the way she treated him has everything to do with the way he treats you. Joy and Russ have to understand that Elana's alcoholism was an overriding factor in the kind of person Russ turned out to be. Since Russ has catered to his mother for so long, he finds it difficult to stop. As a result, he relegates Joy to the role of second banana.

Deal with conflict. For Russ and Joy, the inability to confront a problem or person directly was a leitmotif of their marriage and a direct result of having placated and appeased their parents. Joy didn't feel she had the right to confront Elana and even had trouble expressing her feelings and needs in a forthright manner to her husband; Russ couldn't confront his mother or his wife because he was afraid of hurting them.

What's more, neither was able to deal with other problems that were damaging their relationship. Instead of brainstorming ideas and negotiating solutions, Joy clammed up, and Russ threw himself into his work. The result: They both felt alone and unloved.

Establish safe emotional boundaries. These are vital for protecting your self-esteem, your partner's sense of himself and your marriage. All good relationships need limits. Instead of blaming Joy, Russ needs to acknowledge that she's been fighting the battles he should have fought all along.

He began to take responsibility for some of the chaos happening. Instead of letting his mother ramble on when she calls and is clearly drunk, he now hangs up the phone and refuses to return her calls.

Joy knows she must learn to live with an intrusive mother-in-law. But with new skills and new boundaries, and the support of her husband, she is equipped to do that.

From Ladies' Home Journal