The courtroom was hushed as the district attorney walked up to the defendant on the witness stand.

"Let me get this straight, Mr. Blokhed," the prosecutor began. "You say you don't believe you were doing anything wrong on the night in question?"

"I shouldn't be on trial," the defendant snarled. "I'm the victim here."

"So you deny that as the rest of the theater audience tried to watch the new Indiana Jones film, you were talking out loud -- for two solid hours?"

"Why should I deny that? I talk all the time on the couch when I'm watching a DVD, and my wife never complains then."

"As a matter of fact, Mr. Blokhed, wasn't it your wife you were talking to as the rest of the ticket-buying public tried to hear the show?"

The defendant scratched his head.

"She was asking me what was going on in the movie and I was explaining things to her. Most people aren't as smart as I am."

"Out loud? While others were saying 'Shhhhh!' "

"Hey, I paid a lot of money for two tickets and popcorn and drinks, so I'm not going to whisper like some kid in school. I got rights, don't I?"

"The same as everyone else, sir," the prosecutor said. "Witnesses have testified that you also were talking to the screen. They quoted you as saying, 'Use the whip, Indy!' and 'Watch out!' and 'Why did it have to be snakes?' "

"Well, duh! What else was I supposed to say?"

"The state contends you weren't supposed to say anything, Mr. Blokhed. During the previews, did you not see slides asking viewers to refrain from disturbing others? Have you not learned that a theater, like a library or church, does not welcome noise? Did you not notice people staring at you?"

The defendant screwed up his face while thinking, then responded: "But how is everybody else going to figure out the plot if I don't explain it to them?"

"That's the risk they have to take, Mr. Blokhed. How would you like it if they carried on conversations with the actors?"

"No, see, that's another thing altogether, because they ain't got nothing I want to hear."

"Precisely, sir," the district attorney said. "By the way, to show a pattern of disruptive behavior, witnesses are ready to tell this court that they have seen you engage in loud cell-phone conversations while shopping and dining."

"Is there a law against that? For all I know, the person I'm talking to might be driving or at lunch with somebody else. If I don't shout, his attention could be distracted by other people."

"I hope the jurors are taking good notes, Mr. Blokhed. They will hear other witnesses testify that you drive to and from work in the fast lane, hindering drivers who want to pass."

A furious Mr. Blokhed turned to the bench.

"This is getting ridiculous, judge. There's less traffic in the left lane, so I like to get over there, slow down and take it easy. If people want to be ahead of me, they can leave the house earlier."

There was a brief murmur in the jury box before the forewoman stood up.

"We don't need to deliberate on this, your honor," she said. "Take him out and hang him!"

It was a unanimous verdict.

Reach Glynn Moore at (706) 823-3419 or glynn.moore@augustachronicle.com.