When I used to bring home a new boyfriend to meet my family, the interrogation would begin.
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Have you ever been in rehab? How many illegitimate children have you fathered? Didn't I see you on America's Most Wanted?
The truth was, my family had learned that when it came to choosing dates, my theme music wasn't Some Day My Prince Will Come, it was the opening song for Cops - the one about "bad boys."
There's just something about a bad boy. What woman can resist a well-curled lip, a cocked hip and a James Dean sneer?
Actress Denise Richards fell under the spell of bad-boy Charlie Sheen. Blithely ignoring Mr. Sheen's well-publicized past that included loose women and excess partying. Ms. Richards married her bad boy and had two babies with him.
What was she thinking? Couldn't she see that her relationship was doomed to fail? If you've ever tangled with a bad boy, you know exactly what she was thinking: It will be different with me. My love will change his wicked ways!
Unfortunately, the only things men like to change are television channels; they're oddly resistant to personality overhauls. Even if women were successful at changing their slouching, cigarette-puffing bad boys into diaper-changing Phil Donahue clones, would they still find them attractive? Why not save time and hook up with a Donahue-type first?
What's even worse than a bad boy is a bad boy who tries to pass himself off as Mr. Nice Guy. Everyone thought Brad Pitt was a sweetie when he seemed so devoted to girl-next-door Jennifer Aniston. Now that he's taken up with sultry seductress Angelina Jolie, he's gone from Brad to Bad.
Still, it's hard to resist the allure of a bad boy. Women say they like them for their tendency to stir up excitement. Never mind that their brand of excitement usually results in leg irons and court appearances.
After having my heart stomped on numerous times, I finally wised up about bad boys. I learned that most bad boys, unlike fine wine, do not age well (Marlon Brando, anyone?). Sneering middle-age men end up looking more ridiculous than enticing, and bad boys often morph into pot-bellied geezers standing in the labor pool yelling, "Hey, chickie baby" to passing females.
It was a relief to finally meet a nice guy, one who remembers my birthday, treats me with respect and doesn't associate commitment with straitjackets. Still, even David has a streak of rebel. Despite threats of "penalties under law" he'll recklessly snatch the tags off throw pillows. Sometimes he refuses to "be kind" and rewind rented videotapes. Last week, we had this "dangerous" exchange:
"Honey, we have some library books due back today."
"Maybe we'll take them back." He curled his lip and gave me a Clint Eastwood squint. "Or maybe they'll just be overdue."
Now that's what I call bad to the bone!
(P.S.: By the time you read this, David will be my husband. We were married May 21. My bad boys days now are officially over.)
AUGUSTA RESIDENT KARIN GILLESPIE IS THE AUTHOR OF BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR. SHE CAN BE REACHED AT WWW.KARINGILLESPIE.COM.
